Shands Offering Free Lobotomies To Gators Fans

[The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman]

The Florida Gators are in the midst of a three game losing streak and sit at 4-4 on the season heading into Saturday's homecoming game against Vanderbilt. It has been a rough season for the fans and it appears unlikely to get better any time soon. As a result, local hospital, Shands, is looking to provide some relief by offering free lobotomies to any Gators fans that want one.


"I think this is a wonderful thing that Shands is doing by reaching out to all these fans that desperately need some sort of treatment to save them from this miserable season that they are experiencing," said Dr. Tetsuo Ashizawa, director of the McKnight Brain Institute.


"Normally, when the team is experiencing a season less than desired, we have fans come in and ask for a lobotomy, but we tell them to wipe their memories with copious amounts of alcohol, like in 2011. But this season has been extraordinarily painful. You can really feel the sense of dread permeating Gainesville every Saturday morning when the team plays. Football is just no fun for these people anymore. What do you do when you've drank all the alcohol in your home? They need something more than booze, they need their brain scrambled and that's where Shands is happy to help!"


Ashizawa assured that the lobotomies are safe and that fans have nothing to fear. Adding that Shands performed a successful lobotomy on Will Muschamp when he first arrived in Gainesville in 2010.


Courtesy of The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman