Scouting Report: University of South Carolina Gamecocks

[The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman]

Founded: Mr. Puffball was no ordinary kitty cat. No, this little feline had bigger plans than playing with a ball of yarn and taking shits in a litter box his whole life. He spent countless hours teaching himself how to read, write, and speak fluent French. By the age of 2, he was reading Tolstoy's War And Peace, while most kitties his age were struggling with Dr. Seuss or in most cases, were completely illiterate. In 1883, he graduated from Yale with a law degree. After serving as attorney general in President Grover Cleveland's administration, Mr. Puffball got out of politics and established the University of South Carolina in his home state in 1891, becoming only the second cat to found a university and the first black cat to do so. A great achievement in the south with the Civil War still fresh in people's minds.


Location: Columbia, South America


Famous Alum: Christ, USC, your list of "famous" alums is dreadful. Hootie and the Blowfish? Leeza Gibbons? A long list of racist, asshole politicians? That's all you have? That's the best and the brightest? I'm willing to bet there are adult night schools that have produced more famous people than your university.


Head Coach: Stephen Orr Spurrier (23rd season overall 203-76-2. 8th season at USC 61-36). I miss you. I miss you so much. I miss your cockiness. I miss your one liners. I miss you running up the score. I miss your offense. I mi--NO, SNAP OUT OF IT! He's the enemy this week! He doesn't care about you anymore. Let it go! He's not coming back. He left you for that whore, the NFL. Every year I do this to myself. I don't even get mad when he beats Florida. I just find myself liking him more. It's sick, I know. Don't judge me. You don't know me.


Strengths: The short game--putting, wedges, 9-iron.


Weaknesses: Developed a bit of a slice on the drive recently. Need to get that worked out on the range before next Monday.


Player To Watch: Jadeveon Clowney. I'll start making funeral arrangements for Florida's offensive line now. In lieu of flowers, please make a donation to a fund that the families will announce at a later date. Do you think any of the guys want to be cremated? Maybe donate their bodies to science to show the effects of trying to block Jadeveon Clowney?


Fun Fact: Some South Carolina fans do not smell like intolerance.


Prediction: Florida 31-29. After a week of gamesmanship between Spurrier and Muschamp, all of USC's supposedly injured and sick players suit up and go bananas. All of the guys that Muschamp says will play, sit out. Each team runs the ball 50 times, but Florida manages to pull it out after Conner Shaw--attempting only his third pass of the game--is intercepted by Josh Evans, who is caught from behind by Marcus Lattimore at the 1 yard line. Mike Gillislee punches it in on the next play to secure the win.



Courtesy of The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman

[DocZaius]

This guy's game previews are way better than mine.

[G8RKyle]

I'm kinda bummed. I'm going to miss the game tomorrow. We're going to the farm up near Oxford and we don't have television. It will be great, lots of bass fishing and roaming the woods. And camping with the boys. My plan is to avoid all media, texts, and phone calls until I can get home and watch the recording of the game. It's going to be difficult to refrain from finding out the final score.

[MinGator]

well, did ya?

[G8RKyle]

Here's how it went down. Leslie couldn't go camping, since she's pregnant with the twin girls. So she stayed home and I took the boys up camping with my in-laws. While I was out fishing Saturday evening Leslie called her parents to tell them that I needed to call her. I though it must be good news. She just told me that I needed to watch the game, and then I couldn't resist. So I asked her if we won and then I asked the score. I still watched my recording last night because I wanted to see how we got the points, because Leslie couldn't tell me that.

[DocZaius]

I gotta take my boy camping. But I think I'll wait until December.