The Back Alley Archives

Posted: **Thu Oct 07, 2010 10:10 am**

I can smell them already.

Posted: **Thu Oct 07, 2010 2:15 pm**

LSU fans smell just like corn dogs.

Yes, it is often said, but so, so true.

LSU fans do smell like corn dogs.

I would never tell them that to their face though. This is something
better said at internet distances. Even now, I am afraid.

I am afraid that they'll know I said it. I'll walk past an LSU fan
someday, and he'll see that look in my eye that gives it away.
That look that says, "gee, what is that smell? Is it corn dogs?"
The next thing you know, I'll have flat tires on my car.

If you only learn one thing from me today, remember not to tell LSU
fans how they smell - you know, like corn dogs.

LSU fans seem, somehow, sensitive to that whole corn dog issue.

I think this may be why a lot of fans get beaten up by LSU fans. If you
attend a game in Baton Rouge, try to avoid telling them that they smell
like corn dogs. Say something else instead. Like, "Wow, LSU sure does
have a great team this year. This is going to be a great SEC game."

It's hard. I know. It's like when you're having sex and you try to
think about baseball. That corn dog smell is just so overwhelming.
It makes it hard for you to think about football or baseball or
whatever else. Your brain wanders into corn dog topics like: "Gee, I
wonder if I took a bite of your finger, if you would taste just like
a corn dog?"; or "Is this a real person or is it a giant corn dog trying
to make me think it is a real person?" or "What did that giant corn dog
just say?" or "Excuse me, Mister, why is it that you smell just exactly
like corn dogs smell?" or, of course, after a silencer:
"Madam, did you just let the corn dogs out?"

Heck, after what I've heard about LSU fans, I think it may be better
not to smell them at all. Okay, not all of them. Some of them are
nice. Sure. Smell the nice ones. That's okay.

You know what else is a bad thing to do? Holding your nose around them.
They are real sensitive to that, too. Try holding your breath. But
don't be obvious about it. Somehow they know you're trying not to
breathe in the corn dog smell. And that offends them. They'll likely
punch you for that if they catch on to what you're doing.

If you do breathe it in long enough, though, it'll permeate your whole
body, and then you'll smell like a corn dog just like they do. But
don't say, "Dang, now I smell like a corn dog." They take offense to
that. And they will throw things. But not corn dogs. Hard stuff.
Stuff that leaves bruises and makes you bleed. Then you may have to get
stitches or something. Just don't say it. If you do start smelling like
a corn dog, just shut up about it. Okay?

I think kids are acutely aware of corn dog smells too. Counsel your
kids on how to behave around LSU fans. If LSU fans are driving around
town, do not let your kids stick their heads out of your car window and
sniff the air. No. Keep your windows rolled up. An odd change in
their expression - indicating they smell corn dogs - might get a wrench
or pipe or some other object tossed at your windshield. So, that's
dangerous. Let your kids stick their heads out of the car windows as
you drive - on some other weekend

I know you are just as puzzled as I am about some of this corn dog
stuff. What puzzles me most is that I've never actually seen any of
these LSU fans with a corn dog in their hand. Okay, maybe there's no
mystery there - maybe they already ate the corn dogs. Who knows?
Maybe there's a corn dog factory in Baton Rouge and they all work there.
Maybe, there's a corn dog lotion that they wear, or a French perfume.

Maybe their city council puts corn dog juice in the water supply -
kind of like fluoride. The politics there are probably weird.
The big political issue during the city election is whether they should
add more ketchup or more mustard to the water. Don't comment on it
though. It's not politically correct over there. It's like a
malnutrition issue or something. It's like the corn dogs are probably
added to the water to prevent starvation or something.

I know when you go to Baton Rouge, you're thinking: "Ahhhh. Here I am
in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. I'll bet the people here smell just like
boiled crawfish or shrimp etoufe' or some fancy Cajun food." But just
stop thinking that. That's just a myth. They smell just like corn dogs.

In fact, please listen to my advice. Leave them alone about the corn
dog odor. And don't try masking the odor with something stronger.
They'll curse at you. They'll say something like: "WTF, how dare you
smoke a cigar in my home," or "WTF!! Are you too good for the smell of
corn dogs?" and they'll cuss out your kids too: "WTF!!! Little Mister
fancy pants over here acts like he doesn't want to smell like corn dogs."

Cajuns are not like us. Don't you see that, yet? They are really
sensitive about being sniffed and about their corn dog aroma. They know
they smell like corn dogs and it is no laughing matter to them at all.
I know, I know. We sniff the Bammers and the UGA Dawgs and the Ole
messes, and we keep a straight face with each of them, but don't press
your luck with the Cajun tiger fans. Don't refer to Death Valley as corn
dog valley either. I mean that's just wrong. Even if you've been
drinking, they'll beat you up and curse out your kids.

Along these lines, be extra careful when you laugh in their direction -
even if you're laughing about something else. Like baseball or football,
or sex or whatever. If you can't control yourself and you must laugh
though, do not snort. The snorting makes them think that you smell their
corn dog body odor from a distance or that you're choking on it or
something. They'll likely burn your van for that. We lost a campus
building over just one snort.

So, just remember. You can love one another without sniffing each
other. You can enjoy the clash of a couple of good football teams.
You can enjoy the thrill of the rivalry. But after the game, please heed
my words. Please just move along. No sniffing the opposing fans this
Saturday. Okay? Get your corn dog jollies at home.

Enough with this corn dog talk. Let's play ball...

Posted: **Sat Oct 09, 2010 7:11 am**

http://www.gq.com/blogs/the-q/2010/10/novelist-padgett-powell-takes-the-reigns-from-john-brandon-for-the-secs-florida-lsu-week.html

I am asked by Mr. Brandon, the Daddy of this space, to act this week, the week of Florida v. LSU 2010, as a guest Daddy to the blog. I have said No, to which Mr. Brandon has said, No, no, give me your phone number, I shall talk you into it. I have said Look, dude, I do not know enough arcana about football, like who is strong and who not, and who has taken laptops or made death threats in the week and so forth, and moreover I only watch football on TV and I know that that is like watching football as a girl, or a boy, who does not know the game, watches it—the field of view so limited that all one can see is who carries the ball and what happens to him. No, no, Daddy Brandon writes, you do not need to know depth charts and so forth, just hold forth. I am just a football bitch, I tell him, and the only thing that interests me is the freudenshage of watching certain coaches go down, writhing and seething stoically on the sidelines. Freudenshage is not the right word but it is the word that fills the void in my brain that wants the right word.

Oh my God. My master's thesis advisor at Florida, Professor Powell of the fourth floor, on recent and upcoming Gator football.

Posted: **Sat Oct 09, 2010 7:56 pm**

I think my husband is going to rip off Jan. Jenkins head. We look like CRAP!

Posted: **Sat Oct 09, 2010 8:16 pm**

I would be collecting Moody's pads and jersey right now during the half. That bitch can find another way to make money.

Posted: **Sat Oct 09, 2010 9:10 pm**

I have given up. I'm going to start cleaning the kitchen now. Bill thinks we need some serious changes, because our coaching is HORRENDOUS!

Posted: **Sat Oct 09, 2010 9:11 pm**

Dubose...finally!!!

Posted: **Sat Oct 09, 2010 9:28 pm**

We are in serious need of someone with an offensive mind. Not just an offensive line mind.

Posted: **Sat Oct 09, 2010 9:29 pm**

This game is giving me a migraine. Ugh.

Posted: **Sat Oct 09, 2010 9:37 pm**

It's horrible. And even though I still wish they would win...we really don't deserve to. Sad. All that talent, and we just run em up the middle.

Posted: **Sat Oct 09, 2010 9:50 pm**

ugh. I could have told you they were going to try a fake field goal.

Posted: **Sat Oct 09, 2010 10:11 pm**

Well, THAT sucked. Lilah "liked" something on FB that I went ahead an "liked" too...Save Florida Football - Fire Steve Addazio. Ha ha.

Posted: **Sat Oct 09, 2010 10:31 pm**

Who the fuck couldn't see that fake FG coming? Why did we even have a normal FG defense in? Oh, and, btw...that was an incomplete forward pass.

Posted: **Sat Oct 09, 2010 11:11 pm**

^^^Serioiusly...this is Les Miles...a 50 yarder? Duh...i could have told you that and I wasn't even listening at that point, only watching. I don't know if it was a forward pass or not really. But we should have stopped it nonetheless and we'd be happy right now.

Posted: **Sat Oct 09, 2010 11:12 pm**

retireurbanmeyer.com? lulz

Posted: **Sat Oct 09, 2010 11:14 pm**

I'm not ready to blame Urban totally for this one...but if he doesn't get control over the other coaches, then I'll think about it.

Posted: **Sat Oct 09, 2010 11:17 pm**

I can't really blame him totally at this point either, but I also don't want to let him completely off the hook. My thing is this: if the NFL draft was tomorrow, how many of our players would be drafted? 1? 2? 3? Not many.

That's a big thing to overcome given the competition we play every week. I do, however, worry that Meyer is too close to Addazio to demote him...when in reality there's no logical reason for someone to coach the OL and be the offensive coordinator...it's too much responsibility.

Posted: **Sun Oct 10, 2010 5:58 am**

Florida State thinks they can beat us this year, and with reason. Damn. It was good for my health, not having a blood pressure spike every Thanksgiving weekend. I liked that.

Posted: **Sun Oct 10, 2010 1:16 pm**

UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!

Let me make a few comments to a sympathetic audience. Keep in mind though that I got maybe 3 hours of sleep last night as I stared at the ceiling trying to sleep thinking about the game. My apologies in advance to the ladies of this board for my swearing.

1. First off, burn those fucking blood orange jerseys and never wear them again! Burn them along with the outfits from the SEC game in Atlanta last year. I have only been following UF football since I started there in 89, but every time we wear orange jerseys, we play like shit.

2. Can I take Steve Addazio's job? I know his order of plays - first down run up the middle for a yard or 2. Second down, run play from side to side hoping to cut upfield for a yard or 2. Third done and 7, short crossing route for maybe 8 yards, provided the offensive line can actually block someone. Note to Steve: GET RID OF THAT FUCKING RUN UP THE FUCKING MIDDLE PLAY!!! IT DIDN'T FUCKING WORK LAST FUCKING YEAR AND IT IS NOT FUCKING WORKING THIS FUCKING YEAR!! HOW MANY MORE FUCKING TIMES DO YOU HAVE TO FUCKING RUN THAT FUCKING PLAY BEFORE YOU FUCKING FIGURE THAT FUCKING OUT??? Seriously - he has got to go as he clearly cannot run Urban's offense, and clearly can't teach an offensive line how to block. He says this is the best O line he has ever had here - what a fucking joke! I would be willing to pitch in money for a new OC, how about you guys?

I'm a little pissed off about that. Seriously though, I was calling the play sequence from the sports bar.

3. Have the coaches forgotten how to coach? When you can't control either side of the line of scrimmage, can't kick, can't run, can't tackle and can't pass, you tend to lose games. These guys last night looked like they were running through quicksand wearing leg weights. Add to that they played with no passion and when they did have passion, they did stupid shit like Jenkins spiking the ball after a return.

4. Get rid of all the starters and put in this highly touted class we have heard about. We have exactly two play makers - Burton and Demps The rest leave a lot to be desired I would have included Jenkins until he did that stupid spike that caused the penalty. Seriously - second and goal from the 1 and you can't score, added to that missing two field goal attempts? Pathetic.

That was one of the single worst piss poor pathetic games I have ever seen. It's one thing to lose to a better team - its another to beat yourself.

I hate to say it, and maybe it is because I am tired, but I think we will lose to SC and FSU. FSU handled Miami pretty well last night. I think it is also possible that we can lose to Miss State, as Mullen acutally knows how to run our offense, and possible Georgia. Regardless, we ain't going anywhere this year, nor do we deserve too.

Sorry to be so negative, and sorry for my swearing and shouting. I think I need a nap.

Posted: **Sun Oct 10, 2010 1:49 pm**

That was miserable. We lost to a bad LSU team. We are, right now, possibly the 2nd best team in the state. We've looked poorly coached for several games so far this season. We might be bowl eligible this year if we can get our act together. We might loose to App State ala Michigan if we continue to play like we did last weekend.

Posted: **Sun Oct 10, 2010 3:33 pm**

Something's gotta be done. This is one of the most pitiful offenses these eyes have ever seen.

Posted: **Sun Oct 10, 2010 10:27 pm**

Rad...I would swear you were Bill by that post...I thought he was going to go nuts after seeing Jenkins spike that ball...He was freaking out about that...and just could not say enough how poorly coached these kids are. Seriously, with that much talent there is no excuse...no excuse.

Posted: **Mon Oct 11, 2010 12:35 am**

Do we really have that much high level talent that's truly ready to play? I was looking through last year's roster and it's amazing how many NFL-ready guys we had compared to this year's team--think about how many guys from last year's team are playing on Sundays right now (not just on a roster). Spikes, Cunningham, Hernandez, Pouncey and Haden start while D. Nelson plays a good bit (three catches today and four last week) and Wright, Cooper, Dunlap, and Tebow have all been active and in games at least once this season. That says a lot about how much high level talent was on last year's team.

I understand that we've had the recruiting classes to assume that we should have the talent...but I just don't see it on the field. I have no doubt that it's at least partially attributable to poor coaching.

How many NFL-ready guys are on this team right now? Three? Chas Henry is our best player, hands down, IMO. Carl Moore was probably our best offensive player yesterday...which says a lot about where this team is offensively.

Posted: **Mon Oct 11, 2010 8:48 am**

You know, that's a good point, but given our consistently great recruiting classes, coaching has to be a significant component.

Posted: **Mon Oct 11, 2010 9:49 am**

We should have at least 4-5 NFL caliber players between the OL and the DB's.

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