The Back Alley Archives

I've got these elitist hippies who live next door. They are the type of people who roll their eyes when you mention that your kid digs transformers, because their kids aren't allowed to watch anything other than National Geographic and the Green channel. Their youngest, Leo Hendrix, was out the other day and I told Katie, the mom, that he looked like Greg, the dad, and she said, "Well, we like to say that Leo looks like Leo" with dripping condescension.

They drive me nuts.

Anyways. I decide to clean the pool filters yesterday by filling up a garbage can with water and muriatic acid. I was rinsing them off when they came home and said hi as they got out of their car. They asked me what I was doing and I told them. Then, as their green-loving asses looked on, I kicked that shit over and drained it out. They looked ill. Of course, it was only a tiny bit of acid, but I told them I had a few gallons in there.

Hell yeah!

Muriatic acid can also be used to etch concrete.

/the more you know

Awesome! You should pour some burnt coffee outside and tell them it's motor oil.

Hi-friggin-larious Tex. I live in Kissimmee...no fear of any hippies in these parts. Funny thing, when I was a little kid (like 4 or 5), hippies used to scare me to death. For a long time afterwards I could figure out why. There used to be a road behind our house when I lived in SCarolina that was sort of deserted and the big kids would tell us not to ride our bikes on it because hippies would jump out and kidnap you.

Once I got a bit older I figured out it was likely because of Charles Manson as that was right around that time. Funny, my kids are afraid of snakes, bugs and monsters and I was afraid of hippies.

I love this entire thread.

I certainly hope your HCl was diluted and disposed of according to CERCLA/RCRA standards.

hippos are more dangerous....not as devious though.

More examples of why I have problems with them...

Their house was built after mine and we share an alleyway. During the construction of their home, it was almost impossible to edge a straight line down my side of the alley. Non-straight grass lines piss me off.

Any mention of anything mainstream produces the following..."Oh, really, yeah, well we don't really watch that show/play with those toys/read that paper..etc." I'll translate..."Oh, really, yeah, well you are a suburban douche who obviously can't comprehend the level of discourse in our home as your brain has been turned to mush by pop culture."

He's got a mustard-colored jeep with a 'Be Happy' wheel cover.

Their house is blue.

Their kids are screechy and obnoxious at all hours, yet I've been asked to keep my dog in the house between 8-9 pm for Leo's bedtime.

Instead of an American flag, they have a large, inflatable stars and stripes hand making the peace sign that they put out for the 4th.

As for things I've done to needle them...

We got invited to their twins' birthday party of couple of years ago (haven't been asked back) and I bought them some mack-daddy, realistic-ass water guns. I'm pretty sure those kids never got to play with 'em.

Since Kelly has a demo from CarMax, I try to make sure whenever we have a gas guzzler (right now we've got an Escalade EXT truck) I park it out front and whenever I drive it, I usually play gangster rap as loud as possible.

I always knock on their door whenever I fertilize or weed and feed to let them know I've put something especially toxic on the yard and that the kids should stay away for a couple of days.

Since I know they smoke weed in their garage, I can smell it, I'm always mentioning the evils of drugs whenever they are around. In fact, I told them I thought that Kelly's cousin, who's in jail for assault, could be a productive citizen if it weren't for the 'gateway' drug of mary jane. This, while I'm slugging down Shiners! They looked nervous.....

betcha they like to flush after like the 4th usage.

Oh...my fave...The party favor at the above mentioned birthday party was a mix-CD. Lotsa fun songs from the likes of Jodi Mitchell, They Might Be Giants, Hendrix, The Dead, Phish, and the Doors. not that I have any problem with those artists, it's just that the average age of the kids at this party was 6.

I'll translate..."You people have no taste. Here is a collection of songs I'm sure you've never heard because you probably listen to nothing but Britney Spears and Color Me Badd. Revel in my cultural superiority you cretins!"

the water guns bit is friggin hilarious, tex.

Wow, "superior" parents who do drugs in their own house, no doubt while the children are at home. Classy.

Ah, I forgot my current masterpiece.

A couple of months ago, there were some garage break-ins, so the HOA organized a few nights of neighborhood watch. Greg and I ended up on the same shift, 3AM-5AM. Anyways, we got along pretty well during the drive, but he made the HUGE mistake of mentioning that he was from DC and that he mildly followed the 'Skins.

Along with drug warnings, I go out of my way to have some minor/current information on the Redskins to whip his ass with. He looks soooooo pained when I give him the ol' 'Hey Dude! Saw the skins picked up Sammie Lee Hill (DT from Stillman?) in the 4th! Whadya think? Gonna be huge playing 3-technique or what?..Fuckin' steal if you ask me"

I betcha they lived in my old neighborhood of Takoma Park. Full to the brim with hippies, that place was.

Your neighbor situation has some great potential for passive-aggressive comedy. I can only imagine some of the back-and-forth stick-it-to-em hijinks that would ensue if you stepped it up a notch.

Also, you're living in a Mike Judge cartoon. You're Hank Hill. The neighbors are the Goode family.

Tex your my hero

color me badd? wtf?

Looks like you could use that yard sign hater posted in the grievances forum.


The very first thing I would do is tell em I have a concealed carry permit and that Im always carrying when on my property.

^^
Oh Yeah!! That would stifle the 'peace' flag!


Maybe some fireworks for the Fourth?

color me badd? wtf?

I know...hilarious. I was going to say he was either Hank Hill or Homer Simpson. I would hate the blue house too...my house is a blue/gray and I despise it.

I love this thread.

Terry is a big fan of what he refers to as "shasta gray." I still don't know what that means.

this thread must be kept up to date at all times. You should have the kids over to play and hop them up on candy and jolt cola, then send 'em home.

Invite them over for veal and manatee kabobs.

They Might be Giants have a few children albums actually.

They Might be Giants have a few children albums actually.

Yeah, my niece listens to that... weird stuff.

This could really turn out to be your life's work, Tex. There is no end to their vainglory and therefore, no end to what torment you can create.
Gawd I envy you.