The Back Alley Archives

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/recent/1

Found this one in the Pub. They're good for something every now and then.

(310): so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.

(308): I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

(405): I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.

And for Tex...

(661): Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.

(831): Hey, what are you up to?
(802): Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
(802): Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.

(989): Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.

(850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
(850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

(818): Jake died.
(310): WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
(818): Oops typo. Jake cried.

^^LOL

WOW... this is SO much better than FML!

(310): Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
(770): b/c u have herpes
(310): No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.

(408): I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.

I'm still reading these and laughing my ass off.

(859): I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
(1-859): Well... I doubt that.

keep em comin kyle...funny as fuck.

(908): You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals

(662): I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
(662): He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
(1-662): You have my attention.

(214): dude. I'm so drunk.
(972): pete, this is bryce's mom
(214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
(972): pete, this is still bryce's mom


(512): I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
(519): If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.

(610): I thought she had blonde hair
(302): No, Gonorrhea actually

I had no idea that the masses were so witty in their text messages. I actually now feel a bit hopeful for the world.

(805): she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu

(789): If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitored and tagged within five days.


(202): therell be strippers and coke right?
(703): no strippers. just coke.
(202): i hate this fuckin recession

(816): She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.

(919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

(910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
(910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

(803): I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you


(202): He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia (678): why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
(770): I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle?

(303): Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.

(202): Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask

(810): When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
(1-810): that probably didn't help your case.

(205): Don't make out with my wife yet

(323): How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
(213): It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.

(661): What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife

Yikes!!!
(925): "Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.

(717): WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.

(651): But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling

(918): Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance

(212): Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
(248): hah, sarcasm, classic

(248): yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)

(757): Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.

(607): You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
(405): No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.

(573): I can tuck mytits in my pants

(832): Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.

(908): Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
(617) Remember that time you hooked up with him?

(513): I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors

(803): We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
(843): You're upset about this?

(816): In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance

(401): Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa

(419): I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.

(480): I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.

(212): ??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.

(415): Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.

(773): Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?

(518): Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle

(312): Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
(773): You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal

(775): Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
(1-775): What!?!?! How are you txting?!
(775): Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.

(516): Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.

(313): All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
(517): Maybe you should learn how to spell write first

(770): Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
(404): Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
(770): Fuck. Wron person. But yea