The Back Alley Archives

Now that the Bulls are out of the playoffs and the football draft is past, could I just say I officially don't give a shit about sports till August? I mean, the Preakness and the Belmont. That's five minutes combined.

I don't care about
- baseball.
- the remainder of the NBA playoffs.
- hockey (be serious).
- the Indianapolis 500.
- the first 69 holes of most of the golf tournaments out there.
- tennis, even though Federer/Nadal is the best thing in tennis in 20 years.
- NASCAR.

What am I forgetting? Whatever. I don't care about it either.

Can I set an alarm clock and have it wake me up about the third game of the NFL preseason?

There is a small corollary consideration, and that is:

People I want to fail, though I'm unlikely to tune in to watch it.

- Kobe and LeBron.
- Bud Selig and everyone within a hundred miles.
- Every single rider in the Tour de France.
- David Beckham.
- Greg Lougainis (it's never too late).
- Alex Rodriguez.
- The St. Louis Cardinals, especially Tony La Russa.
- The Lerner family of Nationals Park.
- Lane Kiffin.
- Did I mention Kobe and LeBron?

I also wish the entire sport of track and field to fail; I see no reason to give a flying fuck about boxing; I would like to see women's softball stricken from the face of the earth; gymnastics would be better if it declared bankruptcy and merged with the porn video industry; if bowling still exists, I almost wish it success, though obviously too late.

PS: And fuck Roger Goodell. Fuck him right in the same fucking sack as Tony Stewart, Dan Snyder, and Serena Williams (though Venus gets my vote).

Major League Soccer, or whatever they call it now, is a joke and should have failed upon its founding and every year since. The women's soccer league: same again.

A plague upon all states where Cornhole is played as a game, especially Ohio.

Fuck Texas Hold'Em, particularly when televised.

this thread is amusing to me.

though, toothy, I thought you were a cubs fan?

Also, what's the beef with goodell?

My friends used to have this thing we called " The Pit of Death". If we could have our way we would throw things,people,or teams we couldn't stand into it. The common thread? All New York teams. The Islanders, Mets, Yankee's, all of them. I feel the same way you do about some of the things on your list Tooth.

Hopscotch is injurious, jacks is a nefarious way to train our children for a life of underpaid manual labor, and Red Light Green Light is fascist.

What about Red Rover?

Professional wrestling should throw a massive free five-day festival in the middle of the Utah desert, free admission, arenas that seat their millions of fans. Then a tactical nuclear strike should erase the entire community from our regular programming schedule.

Bingo is good American arthritic fun, but anyone who plays Keno is a sexual deviant and will require years of taxpayer welfare to maintain them unto their unnatural death.

Any sport that occurs south of the Equator is poorly disguised ethnic warfare, and I don't care about it.

I only care about Poker because of my nephew...but he just blew it in both San Remo and Monte Carlo...he was asked to do some commentary for some BBC broadcast and was going to fly to London this week...but something happened and it fell through. I think Poker Stars didn't authorize it or something like that. So he'll be home for Mother's Day which makes my sister happy.

We watch NASCAR although my only interest is watching Nate's face as he LOVES it!

I think that's about all I have on my list.

O Jesus, I forgot croquet. What an effete and fussy waste of spring barbecue yardspace, when horseshoes is so much more direct and pleasing a game. Croquet should fail. It should fail with our help. Sabotage croquet whenever possible, openly and with malice.

How do you feel about the Calaveras County Fair & Jumping Frog Jubilee?

Oh, and last thing, I promise: greyhound racing is for child molesters and individuals so immoral that they are denied entry to the jai-alai fronton.

Thankfully you left off the Tour de France, which is in July....nevermind, I see it now.

Oh, there's no way I'd forget to revile the Tour de France. I wouldn't disappoint you there.

what about bocci?

What about Curling? Oh, I guess that isn't a summer sport...maybe in Australia it is?

pretty sure it's still a winter sport in Australia. Even though their winter may coincide with our summer.

What about badminton and volleyball? Competitive volleyball rocks.

Swimming? Olympic swimming gets my vote for sure. Extremely invigorating!

And inho, "Simon Says" is truly life changing.