The Back Alley Archives

Dear President Obama, First Lady Obama, Treasury Secretary Geithner, Education Secretary Duncan:

Hello all. I am writing on behalf of the massive amount of educational debt that I am no longer able to pay. Like so many young Americans, I got into a much better and more expensive school than my family could afford. After being told approximately 5,000,000 times that education was the "silver bullet" that was necessary to live the "American Dream," I decided to fund my education through various loan programs. At the time, it seemed reasonable.

After I completed my four year degree program, I sadly learned that I wasn't qualified to do anything particularly interesting. I'm not really good with computers, so creating the web application that simulates blow jobs or farts wasn't an option for me. Based in part on the advice of nearly every intelligent person I've ever met, I decided to double down on the "education" gambit and get a post-graduate degree.

Mind you, I did eventually want to do real work and earn real money for a living, so I didn't pursue a Ph.D. Instead I opted for a professional degree. A J.D. if you must know.

{. . .}

President Obama, I've learned that you did not fully pay back your student debt until you received the royalties from your first best-seller Dreams from my Father. Good work. Unfortunately, the American publishing industry is almost dead. I can't even get anyone to look at my book How I Massively Disappointed my Mother.

Mrs. Obama, I understand that you used your salary from Sidley Austin to help support your young family while your husband was helping poor people. I'd be willing to work at Sidley Austin. Are they hiring? (Please see attached cover letter and resume).

Mr. Geithner, I pay my taxes so we don't have a lot in common. But, I'm sure you can sympathize with a person who wants to pay what they owe, but can't because they received some bad advice.

{. . .}

The stick is this: nobody is really going to pay you back anyway. Where do you think loan payments rank on a priority list that includes: food, shelter, anti-depressants, and resume paper? I mean, at this point, what is the government going to do? "Ruin" my credit rating? Nobody is lending money anyway and it won't be too long before I can get a house for free by agreeing to do the yard work. You can't garnish my wages because my wages, do not exist.

So really, forgiving student debts is not only appropriate, it also the only practicable option you have right now. Please look into it.

Thanks,

The young, educated, elites that put you into office.

Also, because my wife just finished paying off her loans a couple of months ago, I say NO FUCKING WAY to a student loan bailout unless she gets some of that sweet sweet payola, too.