The Back Alley Archives

Founded: 1986. Originally built as a community center where all the local youths hungout and danced and mingled each weekend. But an old crusty politician by the name of Strom Thurmond came in and wanted to shut the place down and turn it into a college. What a square. The kids were upset about the news, but rallied together to save their community center by enlisting the help of new wave bands Flock of Seagulls, Tears For Fears, Glass Tiger, and Duran Duran, but only Tears For Fears showed up, but that was ok because they have that one song "Head Over Heels" that is the fucking bomb and was more than enough ammunition to save the center and send Grandpa Thurmond into an early retirement. The showdown was on. Tears For Fears took the stage and rocked the shit out of "Head Over Heels" as if that was ever in doubt. Not a dry pair of underwear in the room that night. Then, old ass Strom Thurmond strolled to the stage, grabbed the mic and said, "Y'all know you can fuck, drink, and do drugs in college just like y'all do here every weekend, right? And if you earn a scholarship, it's basically like we're paying you to do it." After that, everyone was on board with the community center being turned into a college. Tears For Fears had been defeated for the first time ever and never produced another song as masterful as "Head Over Heals" after that. So, we all have South Carolina to thank for that injustice. Dicks.

Location: Not the good Carolina. Not even the good Columbia.


Least Famous Alum: Trey Dunston. Class of 2009. Majored in advertising. Saw that movie Into The Wild after graduation and thought to himself, "I can do that." Died of starvation three miles from home. So in a way, he did do that. Go Trey!


Head Coach: Steve Spurrier. I believe it was '70s smooth rock legends, Player, that sum up my current feelings when they sang, "Baby, come back. Any kind of fool could see there was something in everything about you. Baby, come back. You can blame it all on me. I was wrong and I just can't live without you."


Strengths: The medical staff does a phenomenal job of gluing Connor Shaw back together after every game.


Weaknesses: Taking the time to say thank you to the refs for the job they do. They may make mistakes, but they work hard and are people first and foremost. A thank you goes a long way.


Player to Watch: Jadeveon "Bread" Clowney. I call him "Bread" because he loafs. I bet he doesn't even get 17 sacks in this game because of how many plays he'll take off. He'll probably only end up with nine because he's overrated.


Fun Fact: If you listen closely to the wind after each interception thrown by a Gamecock quarterback, you can hear Stephen Garcia whisper, "lol, bro!"


Courtesy of The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman