Scouting Report: University of Arkansas Razorbacks

[The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman]

Founded: Before 1902, The state of Arkansas had not one single school. No elementary schools. No high schools. And damn sure no colleges. President Teddy Roosevelt set out to change that by first kindly asking the state to build some schools and educate their population. The residents and politicians balked at this idea and flat out refused. The state had now done pissed Roosevelt off and the last thing you wanted was a pissed off Teddy Roosevelt. The president rode to Arkansas on horseback, shooting, killing, and eating every animal (and a couple of hobos) in his path. Once he arrived, he started building a school with his own damn hands because when Teddy Roosevelt wanted something done, it got done. In total, Roosevelt single handedly built 22 schools in the state, including the University of Arkansas. Upon completion, he rounded up Arkansas residents by beating them into submission with that big stick he spoke fondly of carrying and forced them to attend. Providing education to the state of Arkansas is considered Roosevelt's second greatest accomplishment as president behind carving his own face into Mount Rushmore with a beaver's tooth.

Location: I don’t know. Where’s the last place you saw it? Did you check the closet? How about your car? Hey, you don’t need to get snippy. I’m just trying to help. Well, you are. How’s it my fault? I told you this morning I was going to be late coming home and you said ok. So it’s my fault that you can’t find it? Makes total sense! Whoa, no. No no no, FUCK YOU! You can go ahead and call your sister and tell her we won’t be joining her and Brent for dinner tonight because you’re being an irrational bitch! I’m out!


Least Famous Alum: Ned.


Head Coach: Bret Bielema. Don’t forget—be at the Century Tower at 6 a.m. for Big Bret’s Traveling Tailgate Bash 2K13!


Strengths: Running offensive formations with 47 offensive linemen and gaining three yards.


Weaknesses: #Karma


Player to Watch: C Travis Swanson. Damien Jacobs says he’s dirty. That’s understandable. He plays football outdoors. Not to mention he’s a lineman. He’s gonna get some sweat, dirt, and blood on his uniform. The important thing is that he showers afterward.


Fun Fact: Razorback is a condition when someone shaves your back too quickly with an old razor resulting in red, irritated, bloodied skin. Most common among Arkansas women.


Courtesy of The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman