Location: An abandoned Men’s Warehouse
Least Famous Alum: Susan Wright. Class of ’79. Majored in hospitality management. Susan had big plans after college. She was set to take over her retiring father's hotel at only the age of 22. She was going to be the youngest hotel owner in the tri-state area. She had plans to expand and offer new and innovative ways of doing business. That is, until she met Henry Beauregard III, a wealthy oil tycoon from Texas who was passing through. As soon as she laid eyes on him, she knew she had to have him. A tall, sturdy man with perfectly coiffed hair and steel blue eyes and an extra penis growing on his chin. She was the kind of girl who didn't take no for an answer and he was the kind of guy that got off on telling people no. She pursued and he spurned. Their cat and mouse game growing more and more cliche until he relented. They shared a torrid night of passion. She was in love and wanted to leave it all behind for him. Then his wife showed up and shit got real. Suspecting that Henry had been unfaithful on some of his business trips, Helen Beauregard decided to follow him. After catching him the act, she took a baseball bat to Henry's chin penis. Her wrath then turned to Susan by burning down the hotel. Susan was never the same after the incident. She moved to Maine and worked at a grocery store until she retired in 2008.
Head Coach: Fredo Stoops. Kentucky fans believe he’s the one who will lead them back to the glory days of 8-5 records and Music City Bowl appearances.
Strengths: Their fans are just adorable when they think they have a good football team. I just want to eat them up. Yes I do. Yes I do. Who’s a delusional fanbase? Yes, you are! You’re so cute I just want to smoosh the bejesus out of your face.
Weaknesses: Too many to list. There would be more items on that list than they have fans. There would be more items on that list than NCAA violations committed under John Calipari. There would be more items on that list than days that have passed since Ashley Judd made a decent movie.
Player to Watch: [Prints out roster] [Cuts out each individual player’s name] [Throws them all in the air] [Catches one] Safety Ashely Lowery. I don’t know who he is, which is perfect, let’s all watch to find out!
Fun Fact: Writing a scouting report on Kentucky is an immense waste of time. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to posting pictures of my cats on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
Courtesy of The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman