The Back Alley Archives

Editor’s note: So, Chigger Dan saw my scouting report on Miami from last night and was none too pleased with my rant. He broke into my home, urinated on most of my living room, punched a hole in my ceiling, set a raccoon loose in my children’s room, and stuck a picture of my wife down his pants. He insisted I let him write his own scouting report on Florida or he would return every night and he would bring friends. Again, I apologize for this man.


I'm back, cocksuckers! It's game week and I'm sick and fucking tired of this "Unsportsmanlike Gentleman" motherfucker making fun of my Hurricanes. And for that matter, every other team that the Gaytors play. He's been doing this shit for three years. Well, now it's time he and all you Gaytor fans get a taste of your own shitty medicine. This is my scouting report of the Florida Gaytors. This one is for all the fans of other teams that didn't have the voice to stand up to this dirt button kisser. Fuck this guy and fuck the Gaytors! It's all about Da UUUUUU!


Founded: Who gives a rat’s ass? All I remember from that one year of school I went to is that they said I wouldn’t have to remember dates. So I’ve never remembered a date in my life.


Location: Your local prison. Yeah, I bet that one stings, limp dicks.


Least Famous Alum: Frank the Aristocrat. He was a homeless guy I knew. His nickname was one of those ironic ones. This guy was a lowlife. I later found out there’s some sort of joke about the aristocrats. It’s pretty funny. I think goes something like, a family walks into a talent agency and the talent agent says, “Describe your act for me,” and the father says, “Well, Jeff Driskell throws an incomplete pass on first down. Then the running back loses two yards on second down. Then the snap goes over Driskell’s head on third down. Then they call on their best player, the fucking punter, to punt it away.” And the talent agent says, “I love it! What do you call it?” And the father says, “The Aristocrats!”


Head Coach: That dumb fucking redneck you call Will Muschamp. “Duhhhhh, I’m Will Muschamp and I don’t know anything about Star Track. Duhhhhh, how does offense work? Duhhhhh, I scream and yell a lot because I don’t understand things so well and it frightens me because I was raised in Gainesville and went to school at Georgia.” HA! That’s a dead-fucking-on impression of that stupid son of a bitch!


Conference: Oh, the precious SEC. S-E-C. You all look like a bunch of fairies running around chanting that shit. Maybe if you weren’t scared of Miami you’d let them in the same conference as you.


Strengths: Being arrogant, narcissistic, pretentious twats. You think you’re so much better than everyone else? Well, I got news for you—you ain’t. Your shit smells just like mine, like a rat that fell in soup then died in an air vent and wasn’t found until a week later. Also, recruiting murderers, racists, stoners, domestic violencers, and all-around thugs.


Weaknesses: Winning as many national championships as Da U. Your three titles look cute to our five, dipshits. Do the math. Oh, wait, that’s another weakness—you can’t. Running an offense. Beating Da U. Showing up for a bowl game.


Player to Watch: I suggest you watch every single one of them in case they try to commit a crime. Don’t be victim. If you see something, say something.


Fun Fact: If I see any of you around south Florida, I will take you out…and I’m not talking about to Olive Garden. You’ve been warned. IT’S ALL ABOUT DA UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

Courtesy of The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman