The Back Alley Archives

Deadspin's been doing this series for every team in the NFL for the past few weeks, "Why Your Team Sucks." If you're a fan of football, it's some seriously funny reading. Now they've posted their Hater's Guide to the Top 25 for college football. Definitely worth reading. The intro sums up my growing disillusionment with the direction college football is heading.

http://deadspin.com/the-2013-haters-gui ... 1221167616

Old school college football fans will tell you that the appeal of the sport lies in its antiquated, irrational way of doing things: weird rivalry trophies, coaches voting for the best team, everyone turning a blind eye to boosters in cowboy hats paying Johnny Football six g's under the table, Steve Spurrier walking around shirtless, etc. The massive influx of television money has wiped out the charming, old-school corruption of CFB and replaced it with a more modern, soulless, corporate suit-wearing kind of corruption. And that makes me sad.

Kind of.

Not really. Everyone in this sport is a fucking scumbag.

His hating on UF is kind of lacking. I mean, it's funny, but I was hoping we'd get some seriously funny hate.

10. Florida. DUNNNN DUNANANA GO GATORS! Every five fucking seconds. It's telling that the main cheer at Florida resembles a grade school lesson in figuring out which number is bigger. Is it five or is it SEVEN? I dunno we'll find out after Aaron Hernandez shoots EIGHT more people!

I mean, that made me smile and all. But it comes nowhere near to some of the really funny bits in this thing. A couple that really had me laughing:

1. Alabama. Nick Saban. Of course it's Nick Saban. Even in a state with such a rich history of ignorance, racism, and general stupidity, Nick Saban can stand out as the most vile element. Just this week, a GQ article came out in which Saban openly bitched that the national title game hurt his recruiting. Not only is Saban the most insane of insane coaches, but he has crossed the rubicon and become an impossible parody of an insane, humorless coach. ALL THESE DAMN CHAMPIONSHIPS HAVE MADE MAH PLAYERS SOFT! I WISH I'D NEVER WON 'EM! He's awful.

14. Notre Dame. Everything. The single most hateable thing about Notre Dame is its inherent Notre Dame-ness: the arrogance, the false piousness, the halo the program has placed over itself. It's all disgusting, which is why you deserved not only to get steamrolled by Eddie Lacy on national television, but to then have your empty-headed sweetheart linebacker publicly embarrassed for being stupid enough to fall in love with an imaginary pen pal. I wanna watch David Blaine street-magic videos with Manti Te'o, just to see him accuse Blaine of witchcraft.

Fucking love the Notre Dame one. Go read the whole thing.

Wow.

2. Ohio State.Oh hey, turns out your pious asshole of a head coach not only has landmines planted in his brain, but he's likely50 times dirtierthan the pious asshole he replaced. From the high school to the college level, the state of Ohio is terminally incapable of operating a scholastic football program that isn't run by liars, false prophets, scumbags, or rape apologists. Any time someone tells me he's from Ohio and involved in football in some way, I double lock my car and put a cork in my asshole.

5. Georgia.This state has winning pro teams like the Falcons and Braves, and yet the people there choose to spend all their fan capital on a college team that can't even win its own conference. Are you people fucking stupid? (JUST KIDDING I ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER IS YES.) Alabama fans are justifiably batshit crazy for the Tide because they win stuff. You win nothing. It makes no sense. It's like being a Washington Generals fan.

He definitely left some good material on the field on some of the entries (gotta make a deadline, I guess), but he nailed Georgia's.

Oh, the Georgia one was spot on. The write up for USC (how are they ranked?) is also very good.