2033 Mock Recruiting Class
Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2013 7:34 pm
The 2013 Florida Gators recruiting class is in the books. Some people are going to immediately start looking ahead to the 2014 class, but I think they're being shortsighted. I say, if you had the balls, you'd look ahead even further, like, 20 years to the 2033 class. Unlike my peers, I have the hairy onions to predict Florida's 2033 class. Let's take a look at how I believe things will take shape for the Gators in the distant future.
QB Sterling Crystalwhip óóóó, 6-4, 235 lbs., Landover, MD/Coffeyville CC
Considered UF coming out of high school in 2031 before signing with Ohio State and head coach Bush Hamdan. The former high school All-American was suspended during his freshman season following his DUI arrest on his hover scooter. He decided to leave school and attend Coffeyville Community College where he threw for 3,105 yards, 34 tds and 5 ints in 2032.
QB John Brantley V, óóóó, 6-2, 205 lbs., Ocala, FL/Trinity Catholic
The next in a long line of Brantleys to play for the University of Florida; he is the son of former Florida QB John Brantley IV. Should be a Gator, but his dad may not want him to get booed mercilessly.
RB Tanqueray Harris, óóó, 5-10, 198 lbs., Tyrone, GA/Sandy Creek
The first commitment in this class. He did so during Florida’s 5[SUP]th[/SUP] grade camp in 2026. Despite the fact UF has had a new head coach in each of the last 5 years, he has stuck by his commitment.
FB Matthew Tebow, óóó, 6-1, 240 lbs., Ponte Vedra, FL/Nease
Another Gator legacy, this one the son of former Florida QB Tim Tebow. If you thought his daddy was a bad passer, wait until you see Matthew. Kid’s a fullback. End of discussion. You will never see any player in the entire country block as hard as he will block, and you will never see someone push the pile as hard he will push the pile. God bless.
WR De’shawntrey Moeller, óóóó, 6-2, 192 lbs., St. Clair, MI/St. Clair
Heard from a guy, who knows a guy, whose roommate dated a girl, who went to church with a guy, who knows a guy, who talks to dogs and one of the dogs told him that De’shawntrey hates cold weather and wants to go to school in the south.
WR Jeremiah Skittles, óóóó, 5-10, 183 lbs., Ft. Lauderdale, FL/St. Thomas Aquinas
Grew up a huge Miami fan, but the Hurricanes won’t factor in his decision after being hit with the Death Penalty by the NCAA in 2031 for providing extra benefits to players over a four year span like cash, gold bars, cars, iPhone 35s, yachts, pieces of the Shroud of Turin, Bengal tigers, private jets, blowjob machines, drugs, and ownership in strip clubs. During that time Miami went 4-44.
WR Carson Porter, óó, 6-0, 179 lbs., Wildwood, FL/Wildwood
No one cares who he is because he only has two stars.
OL Weston Cooper, óóóóó, 6-6, 295 lbs., Palm Bay, FL/Palm Bay
Committed to UF as an 8[SUP]th[/SUP] grade QB, but grew into an All-American offensive tackle.
OL Cooper Weston, óóóóó, 6-6, 295 lbs., Fresno, CA/South Lake Academy
Florida goes across the country and plucks this All-American offensive tackle away from PAC-20 powerhouse, Fresno State.
OL D'Brickashaw Hall, óóóóó,7-2, 385 lbs., Atlanta, GA/East Mississippi CC
The son of blog legend and UF alum, Spencer Hall, D'Brickashaw ("Brick") committed to Vanderbilt the day he was born, setting a record for youngest commitment ever. He held firm on that commitment for 18 years, signing with the Commodores in 2031, but an arrest for a high speed chase on a hover scooter, driving without a license, possession of marijuana, and assaulting a police officer all led to his dismissal from the team and a hilarious scenario involving his father tallying up Fulmer Cup points for his son. After spending a year in the JUCO ranks and cleaning up his act, it looks like he's UF's to lose at this point.
DE Brizmundo Forceps, óóóóóó, 6-5, 257 lbs., Raleigh, NC/Independence
That’s not a typo, yes, he’s rated SIX stars by new recruiting service, Fuck Rivals, where they take every player that’s rated by Rivals and gives them one more star as a fuck you to Rivals.
DE Joffrey Studebaker, óóóó, 6-3, 263 lbs., Tampa, FL/Plant
Florida finally nabs a recruit from Plant the year after head coach Robert Weiner retires.
DE Trendon Bloodluster, óóóó, 6-4, 235 lbs., Ft. Lauderdale, FL/American Heritage
Committed to UF in 2032. Did not visit any other schools and will not do so as he has stated numerous times that he hates all other schools with a blinding passion. Pretty sure he hates UF too. Pretty much hates everything, really.
DT Zach Muncher, óóó, 6-1, 280 lbs., Lakeland, FL/Lake Gibson
Will make his decision based on flipping a coin between Florida, Georgia and Clemson.
DT Jackson Frollack, óóó, 6-2, 298 lbs., Atlanta, GA/Marist
Has been committed to Georgia since 2031, but started wavering after they told him he couldn’t bring his pet bobcat with him to campus. That’s great news for UF since they just opened that new bobcat sanctuary near Reitz Union.
LB Stonewall Forsythe, óóóó, 6-2, 228 lbs., Mobile, AL/Murphy
Ever since the great Alblamla/Auburn Civil War of 2028 that left both schools burned to the ground and thousands dead from both fanbases, it’s been easy plucking the state’s top recruits.
LB Chris Sizzler, óóóó, 6-3, 234 lbs., Tampa, FL/Berkeley Prep
Florida really needs linebackers this year, especially this kid, but it’s going to be a real fight to pull him away from defending national champs, USF, in their own backyard.
LB Hampton Tazer, óóóó, 6-3, 210 lbs., Crawford, MS/Crawford
Has a friend who once visited Florida on vacation, so you can pretty much chisel his name into stone for this class.
LB Janson Crabwalk, óóó, 6-2, 215 lbs., Tallahassee, FL/Lincoln
He wants to go to UF. Parents want FSU. I’m just kidding, his parents are dead. He’s UF bound. He should commit any day now.
CB RZA Robbins, óóóó, 5-11, 187 lbs., Winter Springs, FL/Winter Springs
As his name implies, he brings tha muthafuckin’ ruckus.
CB Kirby Flasher, óóó, 6-0, 193 lbs., Tampa, FL/Wharton
He really likes Kansas State and Bill Snyder, but I think he ultimately stays close to home.
S DeLonius Cash, óóóó, 6-2, 205 lbs., Gainesville, GA/Gainesville
Grades may be a problem, but the good news is his teachers can be easily bought.
S Hephaestus Jacobs, óóó, 6-2, 210 lbs., Pahokee, FL/Pahokee
The nephew of Nu’keese Richardson. Lane Kiffin has been recruiting him hard, but I doubt Jacobs wants to attend Northeast Mississippi Community College.
K Jeff Merkin, óóó, 5-7, 175 lbs., Frostproof, FL/Frostproof
No one cares who he is because he’s only a kicker.
Courtesy of The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman
QB Sterling Crystalwhip óóóó, 6-4, 235 lbs., Landover, MD/Coffeyville CC
Considered UF coming out of high school in 2031 before signing with Ohio State and head coach Bush Hamdan. The former high school All-American was suspended during his freshman season following his DUI arrest on his hover scooter. He decided to leave school and attend Coffeyville Community College where he threw for 3,105 yards, 34 tds and 5 ints in 2032.
QB John Brantley V, óóóó, 6-2, 205 lbs., Ocala, FL/Trinity Catholic
The next in a long line of Brantleys to play for the University of Florida; he is the son of former Florida QB John Brantley IV. Should be a Gator, but his dad may not want him to get booed mercilessly.
RB Tanqueray Harris, óóó, 5-10, 198 lbs., Tyrone, GA/Sandy Creek
The first commitment in this class. He did so during Florida’s 5[SUP]th[/SUP] grade camp in 2026. Despite the fact UF has had a new head coach in each of the last 5 years, he has stuck by his commitment.
FB Matthew Tebow, óóó, 6-1, 240 lbs., Ponte Vedra, FL/Nease
Another Gator legacy, this one the son of former Florida QB Tim Tebow. If you thought his daddy was a bad passer, wait until you see Matthew. Kid’s a fullback. End of discussion. You will never see any player in the entire country block as hard as he will block, and you will never see someone push the pile as hard he will push the pile. God bless.
WR De’shawntrey Moeller, óóóó, 6-2, 192 lbs., St. Clair, MI/St. Clair
Heard from a guy, who knows a guy, whose roommate dated a girl, who went to church with a guy, who knows a guy, who talks to dogs and one of the dogs told him that De’shawntrey hates cold weather and wants to go to school in the south.
WR Jeremiah Skittles, óóóó, 5-10, 183 lbs., Ft. Lauderdale, FL/St. Thomas Aquinas
Grew up a huge Miami fan, but the Hurricanes won’t factor in his decision after being hit with the Death Penalty by the NCAA in 2031 for providing extra benefits to players over a four year span like cash, gold bars, cars, iPhone 35s, yachts, pieces of the Shroud of Turin, Bengal tigers, private jets, blowjob machines, drugs, and ownership in strip clubs. During that time Miami went 4-44.
WR Carson Porter, óó, 6-0, 179 lbs., Wildwood, FL/Wildwood
No one cares who he is because he only has two stars.
OL Weston Cooper, óóóóó, 6-6, 295 lbs., Palm Bay, FL/Palm Bay
Committed to UF as an 8[SUP]th[/SUP] grade QB, but grew into an All-American offensive tackle.
OL Cooper Weston, óóóóó, 6-6, 295 lbs., Fresno, CA/South Lake Academy
Florida goes across the country and plucks this All-American offensive tackle away from PAC-20 powerhouse, Fresno State.
OL D'Brickashaw Hall, óóóóó,7-2, 385 lbs., Atlanta, GA/East Mississippi CC
The son of blog legend and UF alum, Spencer Hall, D'Brickashaw ("Brick") committed to Vanderbilt the day he was born, setting a record for youngest commitment ever. He held firm on that commitment for 18 years, signing with the Commodores in 2031, but an arrest for a high speed chase on a hover scooter, driving without a license, possession of marijuana, and assaulting a police officer all led to his dismissal from the team and a hilarious scenario involving his father tallying up Fulmer Cup points for his son. After spending a year in the JUCO ranks and cleaning up his act, it looks like he's UF's to lose at this point.
DE Brizmundo Forceps, óóóóóó, 6-5, 257 lbs., Raleigh, NC/Independence
That’s not a typo, yes, he’s rated SIX stars by new recruiting service, Fuck Rivals, where they take every player that’s rated by Rivals and gives them one more star as a fuck you to Rivals.
DE Joffrey Studebaker, óóóó, 6-3, 263 lbs., Tampa, FL/Plant
Florida finally nabs a recruit from Plant the year after head coach Robert Weiner retires.
DE Trendon Bloodluster, óóóó, 6-4, 235 lbs., Ft. Lauderdale, FL/American Heritage
Committed to UF in 2032. Did not visit any other schools and will not do so as he has stated numerous times that he hates all other schools with a blinding passion. Pretty sure he hates UF too. Pretty much hates everything, really.
DT Zach Muncher, óóó, 6-1, 280 lbs., Lakeland, FL/Lake Gibson
Will make his decision based on flipping a coin between Florida, Georgia and Clemson.
DT Jackson Frollack, óóó, 6-2, 298 lbs., Atlanta, GA/Marist
Has been committed to Georgia since 2031, but started wavering after they told him he couldn’t bring his pet bobcat with him to campus. That’s great news for UF since they just opened that new bobcat sanctuary near Reitz Union.
LB Stonewall Forsythe, óóóó, 6-2, 228 lbs., Mobile, AL/Murphy
Ever since the great Alblamla/Auburn Civil War of 2028 that left both schools burned to the ground and thousands dead from both fanbases, it’s been easy plucking the state’s top recruits.
LB Chris Sizzler, óóóó, 6-3, 234 lbs., Tampa, FL/Berkeley Prep
Florida really needs linebackers this year, especially this kid, but it’s going to be a real fight to pull him away from defending national champs, USF, in their own backyard.
LB Hampton Tazer, óóóó, 6-3, 210 lbs., Crawford, MS/Crawford
Has a friend who once visited Florida on vacation, so you can pretty much chisel his name into stone for this class.
LB Janson Crabwalk, óóó, 6-2, 215 lbs., Tallahassee, FL/Lincoln
He wants to go to UF. Parents want FSU. I’m just kidding, his parents are dead. He’s UF bound. He should commit any day now.
CB RZA Robbins, óóóó, 5-11, 187 lbs., Winter Springs, FL/Winter Springs
As his name implies, he brings tha muthafuckin’ ruckus.
CB Kirby Flasher, óóó, 6-0, 193 lbs., Tampa, FL/Wharton
He really likes Kansas State and Bill Snyder, but I think he ultimately stays close to home.
S DeLonius Cash, óóóó, 6-2, 205 lbs., Gainesville, GA/Gainesville
Grades may be a problem, but the good news is his teachers can be easily bought.
S Hephaestus Jacobs, óóó, 6-2, 210 lbs., Pahokee, FL/Pahokee
The nephew of Nu’keese Richardson. Lane Kiffin has been recruiting him hard, but I doubt Jacobs wants to attend Northeast Mississippi Community College.
K Jeff Merkin, óóó, 5-7, 175 lbs., Frostproof, FL/Frostproof
No one cares who he is because he’s only a kicker.
Courtesy of The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman