The Back Alley Archives

Founded: Johnathon Craft was born on March 23, 1921 in Louisville, Kentucky. He was put up for adoption soon after. He spent the first eight years of his life at an orphanage before leaving. He wasn't adopted, he just left. After spending a year alone fending for himself, he moved in with a family. Again, they didn't adopted him, he just showed up and made himself at home. He refused to attend school, preferring to teach himself. At the age of 13, he killed a mother bear with a pocketknife and raised the cubs. He was later accepted to Yale, but chose the military. While in the Air Force, he was sent to Germany during World War II, where he shot down over 500 birds and one Nazi plane that he hit by mistake while aiming for a bird. He even posed as a Nazi soldier one day just to see what it was like, later describing it as, "too uptight." Once he returned home he opened a store that sold scooters for dogs. The business failed, so he burned the store down and left town. No one knows where he went. At the same time on the other side of town, a man whose story is far too boring than the one I just told founded the University of Louisville.


Location: Let's ask Map.











Hello, Map! Map, can you help us find Louisville, Kentucky?













I said, CAN YOU HELP US FIND LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY????













GODDAMMIT, MAP! QUIT GIVING ME THAT BLANK STARE AND FUCKING FIND LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY!













OH, REAL FINE TIME TO GO TO SLEEP YOU SON OF A BITCH! WAKE UP, FUCKER!













FIND LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY OR I'M SETTING YOU ON FIRE!















I hate you.

Famous Alum: William Akers. He developed the SPF sun protection rating system. Whoa buddy! Regular Thomas Edison over here. Where would we be without the SPF rating system? I sure as hell wouldn't know which sunscreen will allow a little bit of skin cancer or a lot of skin cancer. Thank you, William Akers! You sir, are the greatest inventor of ever! Can't believe Louisville didn't just name the school after him. Pretty disrespectful, Louisville.


Head Coach: Charlie Strong. I wish he were Florida's head coach. He woulda got them to the Sugar Bowl this year, but noooooo, we're stuck with Muschamp.


Conference: The skeletal remains of the Big East.


Strengths: Covering up beatings, which will come in handy after this game.


Weaknesses: Offense is built around a downhill running game, unfortunately, the field is flat.


Player To Watch: Mordecai Ballcracker. He's a player I just made up, but I bet if he were real, you'd think he'd be pretty awesome with a name like that, but you'd be wrong. He's a walk-on kicker who was dismissed from the team for smuggling gerbils into the country that had balloons of heroin in their asses in his ass.


Fun Fact: Louisville began playing football in 1986 after they saw the University of Kentucky's team and thought the state deserved better.


Prediction: Florida 72-68. YOU THINK I FORGOT ABOUT THE ELITE EIGHT, LOUISVILLE???? YOU'RE GOING DOWN THE SAME WAY FLORIDA DID--CHOKING AWAY THE FINAL FIVE MINUTES!


Courtesy of The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman

The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman: being funny so I don't have to. Or because I can't. One of the two.

Hilarious! :35: