The Back Alley Archives

Founded: Donnie Koontz was a sad man, inside and out. He was tall and slender. His facial features were clues of a broken man. Sunken eyes and cheeks. A nose that seemed to be poorly constructed from a ball of silly putty. A combover that would make Donald Trump's hair look like John Stamos'. He was alone for most of his adult life, frequenting bars and street corners looking for companionship. One night, with a noose around his neck and a nearly empty bottle of cheap liquor in his hand, he had a revelation. What do all men do who are dead inside and no longer want to live? They become circus clowns. Donnie knew this was the answer. As a clown, he could hide his ghastly features behind makeup, a wig, and red ball nose and bring a modicum of joy to people's lives to justify his existence. He had found his calling and legally changed his name to Bubbles The Clown. He traveled the country having the time of his life entertaining children and the elderly. Their sparse and nervous applause and laughter rejuvenated him. Along his travels he met other men and some women who were dead inside as well and wanted to join his humdrum act. It was through these interactions that he knew what his next step must be--establish a clown college! In the fall of 1971, Florida State University was established. It was the first clown college in the United States. The school opened its arms to those who were defeated individuals and had no hope at a life of doing anything meaningful. Then, in 1974, Donnie Koontz aka Bubbles The Clown was arrested for twelve counts of sex with a minor. He was found not guilty on all charges by a jury. To celebrate Koontz's freedom, the school adopted the term "Unconquered" as their rallying cry.

Location: At the intersection of Sadness Blvd and Herpes Lane.


Famous Alum: Scott Stapp. I love Creed. Seriously. They're probably my favorite band. They rock AND they're Christian. Not many bands can say that. Bands like Limp Bizkit and Korn are just mouthpieces for Satan. Creed brings a positive message that says, "Hey gang, rock music can be about the Lord as well." And I like that. Scott Stapp is a true inspiration. They're music speaks to me. "Arms Wide Open" is such a deep and powerful song. It's one of the few songs that brings tears to my eyes--let me stop right here and ask, do any girls want to have sex with me yet? No? Ok, that's fine because I can't keep this farce up. Creed fucking sucks. Holy shit their music is bad and Scott Stapp is a four-star general in the douchebag army. Creed was the first con-band. You know, they conned people out of their money. Not gonna lie. I own one Creed album and the only reason I bought it is because I thought it would help me get laid by this girl. Did not work. In fairness, I was 16 and boners are terrible impulse shoppers. Fuck you, Creed! I hope my $15 at least contributed to you getting some decent cocaine.


Head Coach: Bobby Bowden. He's still gettin' it done after all these years. Good for him! Who cares if FSU still has no impact on the national stage? This man loves football and he should be allowed to coach for as long as he'd like. I can't imagine FSU without Bobby Bowden. They'd probably be some overrated team that everyone pumps up in the preseason and claims that they're back and then they fall on their face during the regular season in hilarious fashion and make people like Desmond Howard look like a constant dumbass. I hope we don't see that day anytime soon.


Conference: Big 10 Farm System


Strengths: Finally figured out how to defeat Wake Forest this season.


Weaknesses: Running the table with a weak schedule.


Player To Watch: DE Bjoern Werner. He's German, so he doesn't give a fuck about Thanksgiving. So while the entire Florida offensive line is getting fat and slow eating turkey, Bjoern's in the weight room lifting while listening to Scandinavian death metal, shoving protein bars up his ass, and staring into a mirror screaming, "Ich bin die Mähmaschine! Sie befürchten mich!"


Fun Fact: If you use the Konami Code at the beginning of an FSU football game, every player becomes Burt Reynolds' character from Striptease.


Prediction: Florida 14.3-12.1. This game will be so stupid that both teams will figure out a way to score fractions of points.



Courtesy of The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman