The Back Alley Archives

Founded: Bobert Carmichael was running through the woods chasing after a rabbit that he thought was a leprechaun when he tripped and fell, hitting his head on a leaf. The resulting concussion gave Bobert the power to communicate with animals and the clarity needed to know what he wanted to do with his life--establish a college! In the spring of 2004, he and with the help of his woodland friends, built a university in Missouri.


Location: Well outside of SEC territory.


Famous Alum: Brad Pitt*. "He ain't true SEC, Pawwwl! You seen that Channel Number Five commercial he done on the TV? He's talkin' all pretty boy-like. I don't understand what he's sayin'. Ain't no true SEC boy would be shillin' smellin' good potion on TV. There's only three things a man should shill: Golden Flake Potato Chips, Dr. Pepper, and YellaWood. Those are official SEC sponsors, Pawl. Don't no true SEC boy need Channel Number Five to smell good. Bear Bryant would tell you, if you wanted to smell good for a woman, you should crush a Marlboro cigarette up and sprinkle it in the chest pocket of your flannel shirt. This is what happens when we let Missouri in this conference. They need to go on, Pawwwl. You think so too? I'ma hangup and listen."

Head Coach: Gary Pinkel (162-95-3 in 22 seasons overall. 89-58 in 12 seasons at Missouri). I bet you're expecting me to make a joke about his 2011 DWI arrest, but I'm not! So what if he likes to drink and get behind the wheel of a car? He lives in Missouri, he's not gonna hit anyone. The population there is, like, six and they're all drunk too because they live in Missouri. You see that career record up there? That's a .623 winning percentage. Any coach that's won 62% of his games should get to drive around drunk every once in awhile and not get hassled for it. You're the head coach of a Division I football program, by law, you own that state, even if you are the head coach at the University of Missouri. So I say, Gary Pinkel, when you come to Gainesville, crack a beer or twelve and drive around town and when the cops pull you over (because they will--the GPD smells an open container from 20 miles away) tell them you're a God in the Midwest. Also, have something handy to bite down on when they tase you.


Strengths: Showing they don't belong. According to Will Muschamp, they run many "exotic" offensive formations, so expect to see a lot of flamingos and Brazilian women lining up in the backfield.


Weaknesses: Dealing with the pressure of a high ranking, which is why they choose to lose so many games.


Player To Watch: DT Sheldon Richardson. He's a force inside, but I wouldn't worry too much about him. Florida's offensive line has been outstanding against elite defensive lineman this season. WHERE'S MY WHISKEY????


Fun Fact: For reasons unknown, if you hand quarterback James Franklin a button, he will eat it.


Prediction: Florida 27-14. Jarvis Jones records three more sacks, but Florida finally makes some adjustments and does a nice job of blocking him in the second half.


*He was expelled from school for using performance enhancing drugs and remains 1 credit shy of his degree.



Courtesy of The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman

I heart this guy so much. I wonder how much I'd have to pay him to write our previews.

his stuff is really good.