The Back Alley Archives

Founded: On a foggy Louisiana night in 1898, shrimp boat captain Randy Delacroix got into a drunken argument with another patron at a local watering hole over whose mustache was more absorbent. Their argument grew to fisticuffs that spilled outside where Delacroix beat the man to death. He the spent the next few years on the run from authorities. He assumed a new identity under the name, Mike Tiger. Feeling confident about his new identity and that enough time had passed, he decided to resurface and assimilate himself back into public life in 1907. The first thing he did was establish Louisiana State University. Nine hours later he was arrested for the murder of James Daley on that night in 1898. He was found guilty and sentenced to life in prison where he died in 1910 from having a severe allergic reaction from taking a pipe to the back of the head during a prison riot.

Location: Not New Orleans, Louisiana


Famous Alum: CNN's Chief Alien Whisperer, James Carville.


Head Coach: Les Miles. That's the joke.


Strengths: You're gonna want to get to your seats early because their pregame stretching is only rivaled by the Gods.


Weaknesses: Not clear on if they need to play hard for 60 minutes of game time or 60 minutes of real time.


Player To Watch: Punter Brad Wing. Son of a bitch ran all over Florida last season. He's like the Travis Stephens of punters for Florida.


Fun Fact: Les Miles is a career 26-0 in day games when he has bleached his anus the night before.


Prediction: Florida 91-85. All hell breaks loose. This game will make the West Virginia/Baylor game look like last year's LSU/Ablamlalla regular season game. LSU receives the opening kickoff and they try to recreate the [video=youtube;mfebpLfAt8g]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfebpLfAt8g[/video] and execute it identically for the first score of the game. Jeff Driskel throws ten touchdowns all to Hunter Joyer. Les Miles goes for it on every fourth down and converts every damn one of them. A pig somehow gets loose on the field and Will Muschamp tackles, slaughters, smokes, and eats it. After Florida gives up 63 points in the first half, Muschamp and the rest of the defensive coaches begin drinking numerous bottles of Jack Daniels throughout the second half. Their drunken strategy is to blitz nine men and leave two defensive backs on the goal line. It's surprisingly effective. Zach Mettenberger throws a last second Hail Mary that hits a bird in mid-flight and drops incomplete at the 20 yard line. Muschamp misses the final play as he's passed out drunk, shirtless, and face down on the sideline. Miles finds the nest of the bird the ball hit and begins to set it on fire, but then realizes that he too, once hatched from an egg and shows the bird and his family compassion. Muschamp does his Sunday morning coaches show hungover and with a giant penis drawn on his face by Dan Quinn.



Courtesy of The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman