The Back Alley Archives

[h=3]Scouting Report: University of Tennessee Volunteers[/h] Founded: 1989. Converted from a Waffle House. Twas a sad day in Knoxville when the decision was made to turn their beloved high cholesterol factory into a monument of lower learning. The natives rioted, but their clogged arteries and poor health could only allow for so much activity before they eventually tired out and ranchers were called in to round them up and send the herd back home.


Location: America, duh.


Famous Alum: Cormac McCarthy. Totally explains The Road now.


Head Coach: Derek Dooley (30-34 in six seasons overall. 13-14 in his third season at UT). Maybe if he spent less time keeping his hair in tip-top shape he'd have a better record. He's just a folksy Uncle Jesse.

Strengths: QB Tyler Bray is the campus beer pong champion.


Weaknesses: Very susceptible to bear attacks. Three years in a row the school has provided bear safety training for all students, but only six members of the football team have attended. Not a good idea living near the Smoky Mountains which has the densest population of black bears east of the Mississippi River. If a team (hint) were to dress a bear (hint hint) out for a big game on the road in a hostile environment (coughFLORIDAcough) they would be guaranteed a win because the Volunteers would be defenseless.


Player To Watch: WR Da'Rick Rogers. You can see him this weekend with Tennessee Tech as they play Oregon. Terrific strategy by Muschamp to isolate Rogers on the other side of the country and defend him with the entire Oregon defense.


Fun Fact: If you play the song "Rocky Top" backwards, it's still just as shitty.


Prediction: Florida 33-27. Caleb Sturgis kicks 11 field goals. Tyler Bray does something obnoxious, like, mocks Florida with a premature Gator Chomp in the first half, then gets his ass eaten by Lerentee McCray in the 4th quarter.