The Back Alley Archives

What a fucking gold mine of an idea. Takes me back to college and leaving drunk voicemails on friends' phones.

(614): You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.

(503): He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
(1-503): Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.

(989): I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa

(540): she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
(803): youve hit the jackpot

(610): you definitely held a convo with a hobo
(1-610): we have a secret handshake

(781): i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too

(562): trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"

(806): How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?

(214): i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
(1-214): oh fuck your right

(603): Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??

(847): I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"

(515): How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away<?

(907): scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
(1-907): 5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.

(423): I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
(617): What? You're not speaking real words.

(609): Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
(1-609): You don't understand. I'm not like you.

(905): Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
(1-905): i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood

(763): So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
(1-763): Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.

(713): wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
(281): umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.

(407): At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!

(845): i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
(1-845): id pin you as more of an 8

(918): you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
(1-918): Woah.
(918): that's not how you spell hell yes.

(705): and you said cock pushups were impossible

(559): I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
(1-559): Yup.

(419): Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.

(925): First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.

(703): Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

I just searched for 863 (Polk County)...unsurprisingly, there's only like 4 entries...but there are a couple of gems:

(863): I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex.."

And my personal favorite:

(407): tod's in jail
(863): he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.

Here's a gem from the 601 here in Mississippi.

(601): How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
(318): Alcohol?
(601): Sex with a fat chick.

904 represent:

(904): Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
(1-904): wtf?
(904): It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'


(904): Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
(1-904): How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?

(315): That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.

CLASSIC


btw - i doubt these are actual texts...most people text with abbreviated words like "U, b4, c u ltr, m8, etc)

^^^I don't.

I don't abbreviate either.

once I got full qwerty the abbreviations went the way of the dodo. actually with full keyboard some of the abbreviations are harder.

CLASSIC


btw - i doubt these are actual texts...most people text with abbreviated words like "U, b4, c u ltr, m8, etc)

Hell, even before qwerty keyboards became more common on phones, many folks had T9 which made abbreviations almost useless.

^^^yup.

I don't abbreviate because, if I need to say that much, I need to just call the person. I like to send texts with normal punctuation and full words.

I don't text. My phone tells me every now and then that I have something like 34 new text messages. But I have no interest in finding out what they are.

I would prefer not to.

Good man, Toothy. I can't tell you how often I want to just toss my cell phone in the lake and forget all about it. If somebody needs me, oh well.

AA, I very rarely use my phone, but I will text my friend Carol occasionally, or I text a few people when I'm out of town. However, if I didn't have a cell phone, I'd almost never miss it.

My text doesn't work on my phone...I haven't really looked into it though. Bill needs the text on his phone for his business more than I do. Lots of coaches prefer that form of communication these days. When my phone did work with text we would often use it when we were at Disney to communicate without letting our kids hear what we were talking about. It works good for that...especially talking dirty to each other. :ninja:

I would definitely miss my cell phone...I feel weird when I accidentally leave them at home. I figure the one time my car breaks down, I will have forgotten it.

Lately most of the screen on my phone has died. This is, I admit, inconvenient. There's no caller ID anymore. But it absolves me of so much.

(314): Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
(314): Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..


(620): Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?

(714): Ikea night.
(949): ?
(714): Insert tab A into swedish slot B

(703): Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick

(570): Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.

(973): yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day

(850): Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
(1-850): Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.

(917): I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
(518): Huh?
(917): I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.

(250): Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?

(403): are you so shy because you have an std?

(443): and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.

(775): My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.

(803): dude why did you let me call her?!
(1-803): i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...

(703): Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick

LMAO I've said this out loud to someone before.

(602): So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
(480): so you punched his junk, right?

(765): he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.

(215): So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
(215): on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid

(570): If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.

(773): I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
(773): Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?

(412): I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.

(818): I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.

(757): I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

(210): I just want to hang out with her.
(916): You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.

(334): I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
(205): Win!

(614): Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?

(848): life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.

(612): I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.

(503): I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"

(210): spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
(1-210): that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.

(615): Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?

(201): When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics


(508): she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.

(202): respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus

(210): Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
(1-210): I'll teach you how to wipe better

(617): why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?

(313): So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?

(970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
(303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

(603): I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.

(407): Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.

(919): um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
(1-919): hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
(919): my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.

(775): You're the end to all my bad dreams.
(702): Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?

(773): Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal

(573): I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.

(902): So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
(416): Apparently you chose the latter.

(310): i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.

(609): The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.

(563): his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?

(760): Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.

(727): So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
(1-727): Awkward

From the Ocala/Gainesville area:
(352): I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.

(513): god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"

(724): so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
(412): That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.

(812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

(717): so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?

(509): My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
(541): It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.

(414): so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
(262): you're right.

(805): "what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me

(571): I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
(202): Da na na, na na naa

(908)): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.

(778): You're perfectly engineered for doggy style

(843): happy early fathers day!!!
(829): im not a father
(843): about that...

(909): It must have been true love
(604): I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other

(843): I think im pregnant
(803): I think you have the wrong number

(740): Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?

(484): New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport