The Back Alley Archives

(925): Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
(1-925): Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through

(508): So how was he last night?
(617): Five-minute foot-long.

(417): He has such a weird drunk-voice.
(1-417): dude, he's deaf.

(845): Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo

(617): So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.

(205): Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.

(323): Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
(310): You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
(323): So...no?`

(530): Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake

(757): I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?

(662): My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.

(713): Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.

(404): A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
(404): She started it, but I totally finished it.

(509): woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach

(856): a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell

(570): She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over

(407): So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
(352): WHAT?!
(407): He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.

(843): ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...

(516): I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.

(405): Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
(918): You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
(405): I wish there were wingman of the year awards.

(206): I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
(425): There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

(202): On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
(703): It's the American dream

(760): Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
(912): What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
(760): I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.

(570): Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad

Dude, i can't even get through like, 3 of these things without laughing so hard I cry.

(970): i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...

(203): I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
(413): and it's going to stay that way

(416): I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...

(805): bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...

(312): dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
(847): details on that.
(312): well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.

(330): Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.

(509): went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.

(206): Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.

(404): one word: firstdatebathroomanal

(256): You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
(1-256): That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
(256): Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
(1-256): Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.

(323): Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."

And speaking of sleep walking...

(813): I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.

(626): What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
(1-626): You have mice?
(626): no why?

(301): He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.

One that Tex's hippies would appreciate.

(415): u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them

(631): dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me


(918): Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.

(609): Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.

(512): My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle

(225): Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
(1-225): Wtf?
(225): Use the slutty part of ur brain.


(908): But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes

Any of you BA lawyers in the 919? Raleigh, NC.
(919): I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.

(479): Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...

(214): I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
(1-214): Mike i'm at church right now...


(570): So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
(330): I don't know you.

(914): omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch

Here's one for Rad: (310): he wants to bone in the snuggie

(972): so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
(214): so how much did i say i owed you?
(972): $5 and a new fuck buddy.

New for today:

(205): at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.

(818): this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera

(616): If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.

(325): i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..

(848): I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa

(310): Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.

For Tex's neighbors:
(816): If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.

(520): If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.

(301): Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again

(412): I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.

(312): You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.

(774): He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.

(609): Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
(267): This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
(609): AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!

(212): Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.

(813): I'm fucking your sister right now.
(1-813): You motherfucker
(813): She's next.

(337): I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?

(703): my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming

(610): yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
(215): what does that even mean?
(610): you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.

(408): I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.

(574): Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.

(763): i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.

(908): her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.

(360): two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
(206): only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.

(421): And she was only 16?
(1-421): You say that like it's a bad thing.

(304): remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?

(315): he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
(607): what a beautiful fairy tale

(410): Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight

(703): His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?

(734): i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
(1-734): what was she crying about?
(734): i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

(360): two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
(206): only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.

LMMFAO...it truly is all about perspective.

(816): FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...

(413): my phone needs a breathalizer

(+33): I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.

(707): I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
(951): That's the thing about women.

(314): I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
(1-314): How did that happen by accident?
(314): I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.


(702): I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever

(847): this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way

(914): I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
(917): why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.

(661): I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."

(312): she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
(1-312): not while she was awake

(215): i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
(267): wow.
(215): yeah, it was that bad.

(520): i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.

(503): Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.

(540): I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.

(813): ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions

(503): Buhtt sex?

(212): that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment

(702): It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
(775): Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
(702): God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.

(480): So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.

(214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

(210): so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
(512): oh shit that had to have been awkward
(210): i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for

(804): i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life

(770): I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.

(514): just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.

(201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
(908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
(201): Tie

(856): so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.

(602): So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
(623): What did she do!?
(602): I didn't tell her...

(405): The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
(405): And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.

(352): She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.

(813): This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.

(262): Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.

(401): so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
(1-401): um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her

(804): You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.

(617): dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

(816): Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.

(678): I stuck it in and pulled it out
(1-678): Did she like it?
(678): She giggled?
(1-678): She liked it

(775): before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

(315): That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.