The Back Alley Archives

(630): Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face

(312): Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.

(269): Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina


(904): Was it cool?
(1-904): About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.

(586): I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."

(614): That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life

(919): Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.

(941): Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
(1-941): That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.

(440): obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night

(518): i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
(413): did it start talking like on Land before time?

(972): I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.

And one for Weg and BG:
(423): he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.

(248): her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.

(312): Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.

Question of the day: Why is rad texting from a Chicago area code?

AA, I thought the same thing when I read that one...sounds like rad.

lol

And one for Weg and BG:
(423): he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.

Thought the exact same thing when I saw that one this morning.

(905): so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

(610): Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
(1-610): A Penis?

Who knew this stuff happened in Arizona?
(480): my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion

(508): We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.

(732): feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out

(512): She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.


(502): She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.

(336): he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
(919): i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him

(515): so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.

(925): Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up

(516): There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.

(913): I love sluts.
(402): I end my prayers with that every single night.

(516): There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.

rad is texting again?

They missed the second text about having his own wet wipes.

(716): We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
(907): well done

(630): I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.

(859): While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.

(817): Why does everyone think I'm a player? Is it my diction?

(512): Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
(830): its hotter. Way hotter.

(704): One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

(440): she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.

(607): Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..

(512): just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.

(334): I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.

(334): I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

(704): One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

Toothy-Weg, you only wish you had students of such caliber.

I would have posted this earlier, but I didn't because of the hack.

(941): Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.

haha, good one.

(613): I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"

(440): oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.

(425): I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.

(780): she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"

(734): we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".

(517): Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.

(651): sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
(1-651): you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends

(703): its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out

(812): just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"

(678): I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars

(937): Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
(937): He had some in his pocket. That was weird.

(305): I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x

(347): in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

(323): Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
(1-323): We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
(323): Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.

(215): I was like, "um, that's my butthole."

This one hits a little close to home for some of you around here:
(416): I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
(1-416): u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u

(386): First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.

(413): i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung

(513): well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"

(631): And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.

(262): Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks

stay classy

(954): my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him

(248): don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.

(732): no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck

Must be at rad's house:
(432): I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?

(604): I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.

(214): so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
(1-214): dont u have athletes foot?

(219): The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes

(972): i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer

(513): I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead

Okay, number 214 is disgusting!!!

(802): does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
(1-802): actually, i try not to think about it
(802): and i pooped them out

(904): at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot

(508): i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.

(328): im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
(1-328): anal.

(949): i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"

(206): Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.

(301): I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.

(541): at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
(1-541): only in oregon

(301): My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.

(203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

(203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

That is really, really funny.