An Interview With Les Miles

[The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman]

This Saturday, Florida travels to Baton Rouge to play SEC West rival LSU. I was lucky enough to score a one-on-one interview with Tigers head coach Les Miles. Known for being a little kooky, Miles did not disappoint. We talked about the Florida-LSU rivalry, Tiger Stadium at night, and hawks.


The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman: Thanks for taking the time to sit down with me. Should I call you, Les or Coach Miles?


Les Miles: The pleasure is all mine. And please, call me, Brian.


TUG: Brian, this Saturday’s game is at 3:30 and thankfully not at night. What makes Tiger Stadium so difficult to play in at night?


Brian: Our fans our enchanted nocturnal creatures who release a cacophony of auditory demons that distort and confuse our opponents. There’s a magical quality to it. It’s also called Death Valley and I think it has a psychological effect on the opponent. Valleys are where things go to die. There’s nothing in a valley. Where’d it all go? Emptiness, my friend. Just like space. No one can hear you scream in space and I bet no one can hear you scream in a valley. They should try to find out if sound travels in a valley on that show MythBusters.


TUG: It also has the word ‘death’ in the nickname.


Brian: Valleys scare me more.


TUG: The matchup everyone’s looking forward to is Florida’s defense versus your offense. What challenge does Florida’s defense present?


Brian: They have great tenacity in all facets of their game. Effort. Determination. Skills. Aggression. Challenges lie ahead. It’s no different than any other game. I tell my team, “this is it,” and they respond. Toughness.


TUG: The development with Zach Mettenberger has been night and day from last season to this. What has new offensive coordinator Cam Cameron brought to the table to have such an impact on Zach?


Brian: You wanna know why a hawk has such good eyesight? It’s because it has these things called photoreceptors in the retina. Now, humans have ‘em, but a hawk has a bunch of ‘em. You wanna know how many? I’ll tell ya—about a million.


TUG: Uhh, ok, but that didn’t really answer my question.


Brian: It’s a metaphor.


TUG: Yeah, I don’t know about that. Sounded like a fact about hawks.


Brian: The metaphor is there, you just have to dig deeper, like a prairie dog. Did you know 98% of the prairie dog population was wiped out during the 20th century? That really makes me sad. Did you ever see that movie Prairie Dog Companion?


TUG: I think it was called Prairie Home Companion and no.


Brian: Oh, that would explain the lack of prairie dogs. Spent $9.50 at the theater for nothing.


TUG: Explain again why you don’t want Florida as LSU’s permanent opponent? It’s such a fun game and one that the fans always look forward to at the beginning of the season.


Brian: The difficulty of the degree is in the competition and there’s unbalance in the equality of the conference. There’s no cowardice in my unwillingness. I feel more at ease at the opportunity to play everyone in a rotation, of that of a Ferris wheel. The perception is lost on the detractors, but here we are. Alas, time will tell.


TUG: Don’t you feel like playing Florida helps your strength of schedule?


Brian: The burden is there with the adversity of the situation. It’s a counterproductive dance we partake in. The ebb and flow of things sees us through and the tunnel gently guides the boat on the current towards the light. It happens and we bow before it, but hey, that’s what I signed up for! HA! You wouldn’t tickle a baby before it pet a dog, now would you?


TUG: I see your point, but I think LSU-Florida is good for each school and it’s good for college football. Moving on, who would win a fight between a dead moose that's been decomposing in the woods for two weeks versus 700 ant-sized Vikings that are mind-controlled remotely by a third grader in Des Moines, Iowa?


Brian: Do the ant sized Vikings also have ant strength?


TUG: No.


Brian: The moose.


TUG: What? No way. Get out. It’s the Vikings and here’s why. The moose has a great defense being dead and smelling foul and covered in maggots, but where's the offense? That's why I'm taking the Vikings. They may be small. They may not have ant strength. They may be controlled by a third grader. But, they are organized and it is their nature to rape and pillage.


Brian: Yes, but the moose is deceased. So those proud men can pillage and plunder all they want but the moose will still be deceased. This will lead to the Vikings doubting their purpose in life, philosophizing, and asking why? As a result, mass suicides will commence to quiet the deafening calls of a meaningless existence. Eventually the child will be distracted by some other toy, as I often am, and forget the Vikings. And through all this turmoil, the moose will still be peacefully deceased, thus knowing none of the Vikings’ suffering. So he, in the end, is the real champion.


TUG: I wholeheartedly disagree. Think of the moose carcass as a newly discovered land. The Vikings come in, slaughter all the living organisms that inhabit the carcass: maggots, ticks, flies, ants, etc., then burn what remains. They build their own society on the carcass. The child controlling them is not distracted by a toy. These ARE his toys. Why play with plastic army men, when you have an entire 700 member army of Vikings that can actually kill and wreak havoc?


Brian: That proves my point! If they build their own society, boredom will set in and boredom leads to madness. Madness leads to suicide! I win! Say I win!


TUG: No! You didn’t win. The Vikings are the winners in this scenario. You don’t know what you’re talking about!


Brian: I win!


TUG: You’re wrong, but I’m tired of trying to prove it to you, so I’m moving on. Let’s finish the interview on a better note. I’m going to ask you a series of quick questions, could just be a name or a thing, and I want you to tell me the first thing off the top of your head. Sound good?


Brian: I’m game, hot dog.


TUG: Ok. Nick Saban?


Brian: Next Texas head coach.


TUG: JaMarcus Russell?


Brian: Fat.


TUG: Argentine Bahia?


Brian: Light snack.


TUG: Clock management?


Brian: Time is an illusion.


TUG: Tyrann Mathieu?


Brian: Not my headache anymore.


TUG: Spongebob or Patrick?


Brian: Patrick.


TUG: 4th-and-1?


Brian: Go for it.


TUG: On your own 17?


Brian: Go for it.


TUG: Lane Kiffin?


Brian: He’ll make a fine PE teacher.


TUG: Will Muschamp?


Brian: A worthy adversary.


TUG: Do yo chain hang low?


Brian: It wobbles to tha flo’, my friend.


TUG: Brian, thanks for taking the time to talk with me today. I’ve enjoyed it even though we all know 700 ant-sized Vikings would easily defeat a dead moose.


Brian: Sir, it has been a delightful time, but it’s a shame you can’t admit when you’re wrong.


TUG: I can, but I’m not in this instance. Go Gators!


Brian: Go Gators! HA! I meant, go Tigers! Haha! Don’t print that.


TUG: Haha, ok, I won’t.


Courtesy of The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman