Lord William Muschamp, ruler of the Kingdom of Florida, surveys the damage on the battlefield.
“Driskel! Where is Driskel?” he barks, in search of Sir Jeff Driskel, a knight who was last seen being pummeled by some Louisville soldiers. Finding Driskel alive was imperative to Florida’s chances of spreading their power in the future. Army commander Brent Pease approached Lord Muschamp.
“Commander, bear the list of casualties upon me and has Driskel been witnessed alive?” said Lord Muschamp
“My Lord, no sign of Driskel yet, we have search parties fanned out looking for him. I report with sadness we have lost Jacoby Brissett,” replied Commander Pease.
This answer troubled Lord Muschamp, for he himself had said many times that the Kingdom of Florida could expand its power with Driskel or Brissett. Now, in one battle he may have lost both and prospects seemed grim for expansion. Finding Driskel alive was now more important than ever if Florida had hoped to accomplish any of its dreams.
In a worried tone, Lord Muschamp spoke, “If Driskel is found slain, for whom do we have to replace him?”
“There is Tyler Murphy. Skyler, son of Mornhinweg. Maximillius Staver and two men who sought shelter and were given quarter in our kingdom, Jacob Guy and Christopher Wilkes. I am confident we can expand the empire with one of these men,” said a cocksure, but foolish, Pease.
“Murphy and The son of Mornhinweg? Spare me your humor in the wake of all this carnage!” roared Lord Muschamp. “I would have the mind to strike you if it weren’t so wrapped up in other matters! Find Driskel alive! I know he’s out there. Continue with the list of casualties, Commander Pease, and do not try to humor me further.”
Commander Pease offered his apologies, “Sorry, my Lord. I shan’t make a fool of myself again. We have lost Franklin Hammond and Jordan Reed. Hammond was seen walking into a giant red light and never returned. They say it looked as though a moth to a flame.”
These casualties weakened an already questionable unit. Should Driskel be found alive, whom shall he rely on in the field of battle? The popular answer was Quinton Dunbar, a solid, reliable soldier, but not a man who had proven to this point to be capable of ravaging an opposing army by his lonesome. The Kingdom of Florida needed men who could get behind enemy lines and topple empires.
“What of Andre Debose?” Lord Muschamp continued to question his commander.
“Tis the same as before, we found him with his head still lodged in his buttocks. We will continue to examine ways to remove it, but he seems resistant to the procedure.”
Lord Muschamp began to grow weary of these answers. In his mind he was already plotting his course of action over the next several months. He would attack in the fall after his army had time to heal and replenish their numbers, but he also needed new men to train this group, a group that was outmaneuvered and defeated handedly in New Orleans. He quickly scrawled a message and requested a courier.
“Travel to Lexington at once and deliver this urgent message to the one they call, ‘The Joker,’” Lord Muschamp instructed the courier.
At that moment, General Brian White came running frantically, “They found him! They found Sir Driskel! He is alive, but barely. Come at once!”
Under the slaughtered dead body of Xavier Nixon hid Sir Driskel. He had managed to fight off his attackers and then hide himself with what little strength remained under the body of the man who was his sworn protector.
“Get Driskel back home,” ordered Lord Muschamp. “And dump Nixon’s body in the Gulf of Mexico. His carcass disgusts me,” he continued before whacking the corpse with a nearby club several times in anger.
“We will need new men to protect Sir Driskel. Strong, tough, nasty men who have piss and vinegar coursing through their veins AND WILL NOT FUCKING EMBARRASS ME ON THE FIELD OF BATTLE EVER AGAIN!” said Lord Muschamp, now frothing at the mouth.
***
Spring saw the Kingdom of Florida’s army replenish its numbers and lick its wounds. It also brought the arrival of The Joker, who sent out a call throughout the land for all to “come pillage for The Joker.”
Lord Muschamp’s plan to mount an offensive attack in the fall seemed to be going as planned. He found several men who could protect Sir Driskel, including Jon Halapio, Jon Harrison, DJ Humphries and Chaz Green who all survived the massacre in New Orleans. These guards were joined by Tyler Moore, who fled the wrath of a purple-faced monster in the fields of Nebraska, and Maximillius Garcia, who left the Land of Mary because it sucked.
If men, such as Dunbar and Debose were unable to get behind the opposing army’s defense, then running through the defense would be a strength of Lord Muschamp’s army and men like Matt Jones and Kelvin Taylor were up for the challenge.
The key, however, to this attack being successful would be placed in the hands of Sir Driskel. Physically, he was fine, but mentally, how is he after being pummeled in New Orleans and watching so many of his friends die?
He must finally assert himself as the leader of these men on the battlefield and guide them to victory. When he is faced with great pressure, he must stand fearless in its face and deliver a striking blow. And if he chooses to run from danger, he must have the poise and intelligence to play it safe and not risk putting his army in a precarious situation that could result in a loss of life.
These are the moments that will define a leader.
And a leader was needed as the armies of other kingdoms were preparing for war with Florida’s army. However, unbeknownst to Lord Muschamp, something sinister was already lurking on the horizon—The Clowney Monster.
***
That night, Sir Driskel awoke to see all 10ft of The Clowney Monster standing over him. His breath a foul stench with visible chunks of wolverine caught between his jagged, crooked teeth. Sir Driskel froze in terror not knowing what the monster wanted. The monster grabbed Sir Driskel by the throat with one hand and pinned him down on his bed. Sir Driskel struggled, gasping for air.
With his free reptilian claw, The Clowney Monster slowly began to slice Sir Driskel’s abdomen removing his appendix. Sir Driskel passed out from the pain and The Clowney Monster left without doing any further harm. It merely came to send a message and that message would be received.
The next morning, Lord Muschamp was in a boiling rage. The need for better defense around the castle was clear and the reality of the kingdom collapsing without Sir Driskel was even clearer.
“HOW IN JUPITER’S COCK DID THIS HAPPEN?” erupted Lord Muschamp. “We are lucky no one was killed.”
Commander Pease was summoned by Lord Muschamp. “Sir Driskel will be back on his feet in two weeks. If he is not healthy to lead this army, our three month march to Atlanta will be extinguished within the first month. I will not relive New Orleans. Our revenge begins in one month. I will not delay our attack. We must begin at the end of August and finish before winter sets in. While Sir Driskel is mending, you have two weeks to gather those men who you feel can replace him and train them to be merciless soldiers. The expansion of the empire depends upon it,” said an intense Lord Muschamp
With his battlefield leader healing, all Lord Muschamp could do was wait, so his attention turned to fortifying the castle’s defenses.
***
Devising an offensive attack was only part of the plan. Forming a strong defense to protect the castle was also incredibly important. That chore was easier said than done. Two great knights perished in the battle in New Orleans, Sir Sharrif Floyd and Sir Matt Elam.
Lord Muschamp was visibly upset at the death of Sir Elam. “He was a fine warrior. Perhaps the finest knight I’ve ever had. I once witnessed him slay fifty soldiers in a battle in Tallahassee. He fought until the very end. In fact, he was the only goddamn man to show any fight that night in New Orleans.”
Both knights were laid to rest as they requested. Sir Floyd was given a Viking funeral. While Sir Elam’s lifeless body was loaded into a catapult and hurled through the air to hit an unsuspecting and defenseless person one last time. His body would be left where it landed for ravens and other birds to pick it clean.
Lord Muschamp was still fuming about the Clowney Monster attack and decided it was time to unleash his own monster upon the land—The RoPo. For many in the land, The RoPo was a myth. Parents would scare their children with tales of the RoPo. How, as a teenager, The RoPo would consume entire villages far out west. The legend grew and they began to say The RoPo was lurking somewhere in the Kingdom of Florida.
The RoPo was no myth. It was real. The tales, however, may have been tall. The truth about the monster was this – The RoPo was once a feared creature that wrought havoc upon the west. Many men had tried to slay the beast, but they all perished, until one day it was captured and brought to the Kingdom of Florida by a mercenary named Urban Lyre to help protect the kingdom.
A year passed before the mercenary, like all mercenaries, fled the kingdom seeking a higher reward elsewhere. The RoPo was abandoned, but not for long. Lord Muschamp discovered The RoPo locked away in a dungeon below the castle. He had grand plans for the monster, but the effects of uprooting it from its environment had caused it to seem lost and confused in Lord Muschamp’s empire. Seeing that the monster needed to get acclimated to its surroundings, Lord Muschamp released The RoPo one spring, however, it began feeding on men from Lord Muschamp’s own army. He quickly had to take action and have the monster incapacitated and locked away in the dungeon once more.
For the past year, The RoPo has been fed a steady diet of live bulldogs and poked with sharp sticks by dungeon guards. The monster grows angrier by the day and this is just what Lord Muschamp wants. The time to release him is now.
“RELEASE THE ROPO!” bellowed Lord Muschamp. He called for another of his commanders to come, Commander Durkin. “Commander Durkin, I want RoPo to feast upon all those who wish us ill and I want Jonathan Bullard, Sir Easley, Dante Fowler and Antonio Morrison to assist him.”
“I don’t know if Antonio is ready, my Lord,” replied Durkin
“Why? Where is he now?”
“He’s down by the pond quacking at a duck,” he answered
“Oh for fuck sakes,” said an exasperated Lord Muschamp. “Last week it was a cat and before that, a dog. I remind myself that he is still a neophyte. He fights with a raging intensity that reminds me of Sir Elam and myself, but I fear rocks occupy his skull. Immature he may be, I need the violence that dwells in his heart to protect this castle.”
“Antonio! Come here, my boy! Antonio?” Lord Muschamp called out.
“I AM ANTONIO!” shouted back Morrison.
“I am aware of who you are, son. Everyone in this kingdom knows who you are by now.”
“That dungeon guard did not know my name. That is why I had to strike him. That and because he would not let me in to see The RoPo. I merely wanted to see if he was real, my Lord. Does The Ropo really exist and is he here?” asked Morrison.
“My son, he is real and you will stand side-by-side with him to defend this castle. But promise me you will stop striking my dungeon guards and doing dumb shit when our kingdom is not at war.”
“I promise, my Lord. I will not let you down.”
“Good. I want you to defend this castle with your life and when those devils from the Carolinas return with The Clowney Monster, because they will, I want you, the other men and The RoPo to level their entire fucking empire to the ground and bring me the head of The Clowney Monster. Understood?”
“Yes, my Lord,” said Morrison.
***
The perimeter defense was strong, but what worried Lord Muschamp the most was his interior defense. The young and combustible Morrison would be the focal point in the middle, but the biggest concern was the last line of defense. Who would replace Sir Elam and the less talked about, but just as valuable, Josh Evans? Working in their favor was a surplus of skilled perimeter defenders like Cody Riggs and Jaylen Watkins, who could both provide that security in the interior.
Then there was the question about their most skilled warrior – Loucheiz Purifoy. Would he assist with the offensive attack or stay home and defend the castle? The answer to that would depend on the maturity of several young, new warriors like Vernon Hargreaves III, Demarcus Robinson and Ahmad Fulwood.
One of the kingdom’s best weapons at keeping advancing armies at bay was the catapult. And Kyle Christy was the best catapult operator in the land. Christy could launch boulders soaring through the air wiping out chunks of opposing forces. It was a valuable weapon to have.
***
Black clouds roll in and the rumble of thunder is heard as lightning streaks the sky. The date of August 31st looms for the Kingdom of Florida and many questions remain. Will Sir Driskel assert himself as the rightful leader of the kingdom? Can they penetrate an army’s defense and topple opposing empires? Will the interior defense be prepared to ward off any attacks? Could they end the reign of terror from The Clowney Monster? Will they find a way to remove Andre Debose’s head from his rectum? And will Antonio Morrison continue to do dumb shit? The answers will be revealed soon. In the meantime, I suggest you imbibe many flagons of ale to tide you over. The march to Atlanta AWAITS!
Courtesy of The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman
