Dooley Hangs Self With Orange Pants Following Loss

[The Unsportsmanlike Gentleman]

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[DocZaius]

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Many of the players were shocked and saddened to hear the news, including quarterback Tyler Bray, who picked Florida's secondary apart in the first half, then wilted in the second half like a dude who's been on the lake and had too many beers and too much sun. "This is tough," said Bray while adding flames to the sides of his jet ski. "Doolander was my bro. He was more than a bro. He was like that guy, who raises you and looks out for you and teaches you to be a man. What's that guy's name? A dad, yeah, that's it. He was like a second dad to me. I know he's in a better place now and I can't wait to throw errant passes to him in Heaven."


Many were impressed by the strength of the orange pants to hold Dooley's 180lb body from the ceiling of his office. "Yeah, he had one pant leg tied to a beam and the other around his neck, the seam in the crotch really held up. That's just good craftsmanship right there. You don't see that with Dockers or any of your retail brands," said police officer Michael Hemingway.