Great site http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/recent/1

IHateUGAlyDawgs · Post by **IHateUGAlyDawgs** » Wed Jun 17, 2009 10:23 am

(843): happy early fathers day!!!
(829): im not a father
(843): about that...

[move][glow=red,2,300]OH SNAP[/size][/glow][/move]

G8RKyle · Post by **G8RKyle** » Wed Jun 17, 2009 12:40 pm

(818): i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
(615): Heaven soaked bacon.

(201): Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.

(630): But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino

G8RKyle · Post by **G8RKyle** » Mon Jun 22, 2009 1:01 pm

(352): Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.

annarborgator · Post by **annarborgator** » Tue Jun 23, 2009 7:33 am

(352): What are you doing?
(352): High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
(352): That guy could sell me cancer.

MinGator · Post by **MinGator** » Tue Jun 23, 2009 7:56 am

(310): I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.

(714): I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room

(978): Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

(205): So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.

(202): I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.

MinGator · Post by **MinGator** » Tue Jun 23, 2009 7:58 am

(732): Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...

(703): fucking a dude
(703): i mean: fucking a, dude
(703): wow, that comma made all the difference there

(518): after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.

(207): I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
(617): We call that spaghetti Os

(778): You're perfectly engineered for doggy style

MinGator · Post by **MinGator** » Tue Jun 23, 2009 9:48 am

(724): I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
(1-724): You need to find a taint.

G8RKyle · Post by **G8RKyle** » Thu Jun 25, 2009 8:22 am

(281): had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.

(212): i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack

(705): Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
(1-705): That would be awkward if he commented on your status

(706): If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore

(201): "women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
(1-201): damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy

G8RKyle · Post by **G8RKyle** » Mon Jun 29, 2009 8:42 am

(347): Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.

MinGator · Post by **MinGator** » Wed Jul 08, 2009 9:27 pm

(617): My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?

(905): In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience

(217): he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper

(559): Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.

(386): I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.

(201): it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships

(617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
(508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

(407): you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
(1-407): probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine

(206): Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.

MinGator · Post by **MinGator** » Wed Jul 08, 2009 9:28 pm

(773): smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands

MinGator · Post by **MinGator** » Wed Jul 08, 2009 9:30 pm

(724): I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.

(402): apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"

G8RKyle · Post by **G8RKyle** » Fri Jul 10, 2009 8:05 am

(313): this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.

(813): I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
(407): i think you have the wrong number
(813): so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.

(602): I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
(1-602): you mean pants?

(337): I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.

(916): If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes

(404): Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.

(954): Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.

(703): I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband

(734): Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?

(972): I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
(1-972): I want to be a cop.

(920): dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back

(703): Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.

(314): his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?

G8RKyle · Post by **G8RKyle** » Mon Jul 13, 2009 9:06 am

(775): Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
(504): Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

(303): Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

(402): I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.

(215): I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again

(502): I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.

(215): After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
(610): I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.

(563): How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
(1-563): The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?

(312): kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.

(828): God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.

G8RKyle · Post by **G8RKyle** » Mon Jul 13, 2009 10:44 am

(937): wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
(1-937): u like it?
(937): NOT THE POINT.

MinGator · Post by **MinGator** » Mon Jul 13, 2009 1:03 pm

Here's one for Tex.

(847): So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be

MinGator · Post by **MinGator** » Mon Jul 13, 2009 1:05 pm

Since she already bought the dress, this is not one of Ad's bridesmaids.

(706): so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dress

MinGator · Post by **MinGator** » Mon Jul 13, 2009 1:06 pm

(610): Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love

(806): I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
(512): Did it?
(806): Not as such, no

(609): she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
(484): pussy has no personality
(609): Amen to that

MinGator · Post by **MinGator** » Mon Jul 13, 2009 1:06 pm

(435): Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood

G8RKyle · Post by **G8RKyle** » Tue Jul 14, 2009 8:49 am

(908): Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.

(845): Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier

(727): i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.

(250): Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
(1-250): I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.

(904): He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".

(843): so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
(1-843): i am grossed the fuck out

(708): I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.

(901): All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.

(347): We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job

G8RKyle · Post by **G8RKyle** » Tue Jul 14, 2009 1:05 pm

(973): coke and sex party at dan's
(201): im watching greys anatomy with megan...
(973): wha-pishhh

texgator · Post by **texgator** » Tue Jul 14, 2009 1:16 pm

I can't read any of the posts because I'm busy cleaning up the coffee off the rug from watching Kyle's sig.

G8RKyle · Post by **G8RKyle** » Tue Jul 14, 2009 2:15 pm

I knew you'd like it.

MinGator · Post by **MinGator** » Tue Jul 14, 2009 3:32 pm

I do admit to being completely sucked in and watching the whole thing. I think I laughed harder the second time.

G8RKyle · Post by **G8RKyle** » Wed Jul 15, 2009 8:58 am

(405): Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.

(214): i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"

(904): my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
(386): girlfriend?

(651): Could a canary swim?
(952): Last time I ever let you pet sit.

(989): I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.

(443): its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
(301): so glad i banged her when she was skinny

(480): I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.

(330): She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.

(818): Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
(818): Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
(818): And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.

(678): I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.

(910): An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?

(949): The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning

(860): Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died

(414): can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
(1-414): aren't you going with children?

(209): update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
(1-209): the house was on fire??
(209): shit I thought I told you.

(256): I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.

(937): I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.

(636): At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
(314): You fucking left with him didn't you?!

(916): i think i have herpe
(1-916): just one?

(203): you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small